Bath Time

Dear Boy1:

    For starters, when I asked you to take a shower, you acted as if I was telling you to go stand in a downfall of battery acid! So what made you think that, while I was cleaning up the downstairs for FIVE minutes, that it would be a good idea for YOU to draw a bath for the girls and put them in it, just so you they could use the bath toy, CHRISTMAS gifts you gave to them TODAY?!?!?
     Thankfully (or not so much), I was lucky enough to walk in before you put the baby in the tub, only to discover that you had already taken off her diaper, which had the added bonus of being a "shit storm" of diarrhea spewed around the bathroom!!! I can only HOPE that someday you'll know the joys of scrubbing baby poop off of a bathroom ceiling! (How did you even manage to DO that, by the way?!?) Let's not even MENTION the fact that, while I was still cleaning up said "shit storm", you decided to show the Princess how funny it would be that her new "rubber froggies" can "piss" all over the living room floor, walls, and furniture!!!!
     I would really appreciate it if you would stop "helping" me, since it always results in utter chaos that I DON'T want to deal with!  

Love always,
The newest mommy in the psych ward

Burdens To Society

Let's start with a disclaimer:

I've ALWAYS assumed that the kiddos would NEVER grow up to be rocket scientists, heart surgeons, nuclear physicists, or any other crazy thing that could actually SUPPORT me in my retirement. 

HELL, I knew LONG ago that the next generation's Einstein was NOT living in MY house!

I KNOW that my parenting skills are NOT that good!

HOWEVER (and it's a big fricking, HOWEVER)

I DID assume that at least ONE of the four would grow up to be competent enough to choose a decent nursing home for me once they've driven me to the brink of insanity!

It turns out, I'm probably going be covered in bed sores, pi$$ing my bed, and desperately SCREAMING for the nurse to bring me the "good" meds (as legally allowed, of course) because tonight PROVED that the kiddos don't have a fricking CLUE about ANYTHING!

What I went through tonight just PROVES that if the kiddos are anything less than a "burden on society"....

I did my job, and I did it all while avoiding that padded room (barely).

Welcome to this evening's events:

I just have to tell the story as it happened. If I ramble, then get the frick over it.

I was downstairs, ignoring the fact that my kiddos are probably up to no good after I put the Ref into the shower:

Suddenly, I hear....."MAMMA!!!! HELP!!!"

I dash upstairs to find the Instigator trying to clean up all of the glitter, that the baby "threw in the air" with, of ALL things, a BLOW DRYER!

While I'm on my hands and freaking knees trying to clean up the flipping "glitterstorm" that she caused, I hear a random scream about how it's "RAINING downstairs!!!!"

I run downstairs (glitter STILL on my face, I'm sure), only to find a WATERFALL happening in the basement!!!

Apparently, the Ref didn't have the forethought to know that shower curtains and the absence of randomly throwing water out of the fricking shower are NOT favored upon!

I go downstairs and find a WATERFALL of ignorance!!!!!! 

The ONLY saving grace is that the Instigator was "smart" enough to throw a freaking TISSUE on the floor to clean it up!

I'm not talking about "puddles" here, I'm talking about an absofuckinglutely FLOOD of the basement!

My BIGGEST hope for my old age is the Instigator.....HE at least threw a freaking TISSUE on the floor to sop up the mess!!!

If it had been some randomly evil plan to have fun.....I  could respect it, but......sadly, NO.......

it was just outright stupid.

ROAD TRIP!!!

So this was it!!!

The big TWO weeks without my little band of misfits to keep me company!

I DID survive, but barely!

Let me just tell you, though, if you ever decide to move 10 hours away from the other parental unit....

you're just ASKING for a nightmare when it comes to visitation!

Yeah, yeah, yeah....I love 'em to death and went nuts without them,

but THIS time I'm just talking about all of the GD flipping driving involved with getting them there and back!!!

Let's start with the fact, the my van is a POS:

I'm going to tell you all a secret because I KNOW you won't say a word to anyone:

I've worked at an auto parts store TWICE in the past, and, well....

it's not so much that I don't KNOW what work my van needs done, as

I just really don't want to be BOTHERED with HAVING it done!

Before I headed down South to drop the kiddos off, I mentioned to a dear friend that my brakes and rotors were bad...

I was informed, of course, that "Ummm....those are your BRAKES....you kind of need them to STOP!"

Well, let's just say that I considered that a DARE!!

Soooo.....I set off on my trek sans adequate brakes, and, oh yeah! Let's just add in the fact that my left blinker light is out!!!

(Nothing says, "I'm changing lanes, you stupid A$$ trucker", than a woman in a minivan full of kids about ready to make you jack-knife your rig just because you have no idea about the screaming she has endured!!)

Truth be told...I was scared to DEATH, but we got there safe and sound.

Kid-swap was peaceful, and I set off to discover what two weeks without the kiddos would feel like...

On a sidenote:

That blinker light started working again less than an HOUR after I dropped the kiddos off!!!

(Any one with a Forensics background want to look into that for me?  It seems a little TOO coincidental!)

TWO WEEKS:

Blah, blah, blah, life sucks....turns out I don't actually LIKE alone time!

(SHHH!!! I'm only admitting that because I KNOW I can trust you folks not to breathe

 a WORD of that to anyone!!!)

Flash forward 2 weeks:

TIME TO GET THE KIDDOS!!!

The trip to pick them up....not NEARLY as smooth!!!

We were meeting in the same place...should be smooth, right?

HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

(OH! FYI: Fixed the blinker but STILL haven't fixed the brakes)

I decided I needed to borrow my Dad's GPS, you know, "just in case"...

(Dear Lord, forgive me for all of the things I've borrowed from that man thinking they would actually HELP me out!!!)

First thing I notice, of course, is the "Estimated Time of Arrival"...

Oh, GOODIE!!!!

A CHALLENGE!!!

(I looked at the freaking thing and thought, "SERIOUSLY?!?! That MUST be a dare!!!")

When I beat that time by more than an hour, I secretly thanked Doc Emmit Brown and the flux capicitor he OBVIOUSLY hooked up in my van because I felt like a TOTAL time traveler!!!

NOW I'VE GOT THE KIDDOS!!!!!!

The trip back, I assume, will be as simple as it was down......

(famous last words)

Did I mention that I'm using my dad's GPS?!?!?!

Turns out, he reprogrammed it before I left!!

Soooo....I took me back a COMPLETELY different way!

(Note to Self: You're buying your OWN GPS and never borrowing one from ANYone else EVER again!!!)

OK, I'll cut to the chase:

I got the kiddos....

I won't even MENTION the construction and traffic....

Storms left the GPS utterly USELESS!!!!

(Pretty sure a CAVEMAN could have navigated his way home better than I did!)

Anyway...

Long story short....

I found my small town (completely IGNORANT of Big City common sense) self lost and wandering in the middle of downtown Baltimore with 4 small kiddos who are even more clueless than I am!!!

THREE courtesy lessons from completely creepy dudes on how to clean my windshield later...

we find our way out.

Oh, GOODIE!!!

A LIGHTNING storm!!!

YES!!! I just LOVE zero visibility!!

GOLF SIZE HAIL?

Of course!!

This is where my nerves are so shot that I can't take it anymore.....

Whichever hotel has a room available is earning a few bucks!

Nothing like a Midnight check-in to a hotel....

We are lucky enough to get the "smells like cat piss room"

Yeah, I can't check out early enough...

go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep........

I'm awake, needless to say, I didn't pack a bag so I have NOTHING to even brush my hair/teeth with...

Thank GOD for continental breakfast!!!

(all of which, of course, ended up in the trash!!!)

On the road again...

"I have to pee!!!!"

Good for you.....you'll set a world record when we actually make it home then!!! 

End of story.....

Amtrack will be seeing 4 VERY busy customers every 6 months for the next several years!!!

I can't handle it, otherwise!

KIDLESS!!!!

I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The kiddos left a few days ago to spend 2 weeks with their dad.

I KNEW I'd miss them, but I was actually kind of excited to have some "free time".....

Yeah.....

turns out I don't actually LIKE "free time"!

Let's just say that, when bored, lonely, and left to fend for MYSELF,

I tend to make REALLY bad decisions!!!!

I do things I would NEVER do if the kiddos were here to amuse/entertain me.

For example:

I went on a "wine tour" when I don't even LIKE wine! (Once I was told I could drink beer on the bus, though, I figured, "HEY! Count me in!!")........I woke up the next morning realizing there's a REASON I don't drink wine! (In my defense.....no one told me you can't chug wine the same way you can beer!!!)

I decided it would be a good chance to start running to clear my mind.  I DON'T run!!! Apparently, when my own "cell phone hating" mother tells me I'd BETTER take my phone with me "just in case"....I should actually LISTEN to her! (It would have been MUCH easier to call for a ride that last 1/2 block home!)

One word: ZUMBA!!! I love to dance so I really thought this would be great.  Apparently, though, Zumba is the exercise world's way of reminding me just how out-of-shape and UNcoordinated I really am!! Seriously, if it wasn't for the beer and cigarettes waiting for me at home.....I think I might have DIED!

Zumba part II: It's a LOT easier to go to work after a night of drinking than after your first cardio workout in 18 years......and it's NOT acceptable to call off work saying, "every muscle in my body hurts, and I can't move because I haven't done anything but TALK about exercising for the past year".....they tend to frown on that.

Calling the ex four or five times a day. Yes, I'll admit it (but only to you, since I KNOW you can keep a secret), I actually miss the little kiddos! So I keep calling to talk to them.......yeah, unfortunately, THEY do not have their own phone line so that means, YOU guessed it...I WILLINGLY subject myself to THAT drama over and over again!!!

Tomorrow night I am going to play Bingo......nuff said (THAT one doesn't even DESERVE elaboration!)

The following night....Wine Night with the girls (refer back to the FIRST bad decision!)

I think I've hit rock bottom.

I am OBVIOUSLY going to destroy myself if the kiddos don't get back soon!

Someone NEEDS to do an intervention!!!!

Life Lessons

Remember when you were growing up, and you'd complain about how much GD homework you had to do?
(SIDENOTE: The amount of homework WE had does not even COMPARE to the amount they load on today's kiddos!!!)

Anyway, inevitably, some Old Fart would hear you whining and try to feed you some Lame-a$$ story about how the secret to happiness and a successful life is that you...
NEVER STOP LEARNING

Then, after you got smacked upside the head
(because it was perfectly acceptable to DO that back then)
for rolling your eyes at them,
you took advantage of their, yet to be diagnosed, Alzheimer's and made them an unwilling accomplice to your avoidance of doing any actual RESEARCH on your history paper
and just plagiarized everything they told you about the subject?

Ummmm, no?.....OK, scratch that!
What I MEANT to say was....
"You took their advice unconditionally, and read EVERY bit of information you could find so that you could COMPLETELY understand the project before handing it in to your teacher."

(Sidenote to any of my former teachers who are reading this.....
This is a HUMOROUS blog!!!
I, of course, NEVER took the short cuts!
I am the EXCEPTION that proves every rule!!)

Well, I've realized that maybe, just maybe, the "smack you upside the head" Old Farts might have been onto something!
 I guess we really never do stop learning!!

Just this week, I've learned a LOT more than I cared to learn:

1.  When the ONLY McD's in the area closes down for a demo/rebuild for 4 months........you are SCREWED when it comes to bribing the kiddos into doing ANYTHING!!!

2.  NEVER think a kids' movie is the dumbest movie EVER......the sequel you will be forced to watch in a year will be much worse than you can even imagine!!

3.  When you think you've said it all, the words, "You autographed my baby?!?!?" will come out of your mouth.

4.  I don't care WHAT you thought the happiest moment in your life was before.  The HAPPIEST moment in the WORLD is discovering the clothes in the dryer are NOT dry, so you have another 30 min to make up an excuse for not folding them right away.

5.  Poker is MUCH less violent than Bible stories with ignorant kiddos--and SOOO much more profitable!

6. If kids in the Middle East are still "kids at heart", we should just send popcorn and ice cream to the kiddos there. I have NEVER found a battle that EITHER of those won't end INSTANTLY!!

7.  Memory, processors, Wifi capability, software.....none of it means ANYTHING!!!  My new laptop is just  "prettier" with pink construction paper glued to it.

8.  SOME experiments are just better off not done:  I can actually wear the baby's headband......Now I'm paranoid: Is her head abnormally big, or is mine abnormally small?!? hmmmmm

9.  DNA results are NOT 100%:  The kiddos REFUSE to eat ANYTHING that their Dad or I like: If it wasn't for the doctor bills and stretch marks  to prove otherwise.....I'd swear they were adopted!

10. Reading your horoscope at the END of the day makes a LOT more sense! That way you can twist and corrupt it any way you like, and, worse case scenario--you end your day with a laugh!!

Extra Credit:

Even if ALL the experts in the world agree that something is TRUE...

that doesn't mean it is...

after all,

not too long ago...

PLUTO was a planet!!!

Holy Wars!!!!! (Kiddo Style!!!)

OK, so, by now, you all know that I am one of those moms who was OBVIOUSLY cursed by the whole...

"I hope your kids turn out just like YOU!!" saying....

Well, today we hit an All-Time low...

The kiddos and I were having a BLAST!!!!!!

You know that old saying....

"It's like taking candy from a baby"?

Well, let's just say, when you teach your kiddos that LYING is the WORST way to piss Mama off...

Then, teaching them to play Poker is an all out FANTABULOUS way to win back that undeserved allowance money!!!!!

(Kiddos afraid of lying=afraid of bluffing!!!!)

Sooooo....."Gamma" comes home and finds me "corrupting" her grandchildren with poker.....

and she decides to break out the "Biblical Characters Memory Game"

(insert random personal life choice judgment comment here: ____________)

Well, let's just say:

Sometimes MOMMY actually knows best!!!!!

Here's how "Bible Memory" ACTUALLY went:

Princess: OH!!! LOOK!!! I found baby Jesus!!!

Instigator: Yeah, good luck finding him AGAIN!!   

Instigator: LOOK!!! It's God!!!

Princess: That's not GOD!!!!! That's baby Jesus when he got OLD!!!

Instigator: BABY Jesus NEVER got old. (Good point, I guess.)

Princess: Boys are SOOOOOOOOO stupid!

.........................This is where I opened my first beer because I KNEW where it was headed.........................

Me: OK, OK.....let's just go to the next card

And they do.......

As luck would have it....

ADAM AND EVE!!!!

Instigator: You KNOW that God made boys first for a REASON!!!!

Princess:  What reason is that?!?!?

Instigator: Cuz boys are better!!!

Princess:   No WAY!! He made a MISTAKE and made girls to FIX it!

(Flip a card, flip a card....PLEASE someone flip a card!!!!!)

Instigator: OH LOOK!!! It's Jesus with his Mommy and Daddy!!!!

Princess: That's NOT his Daddy!!!! That's GOD!!!!!

Instigator: LOOK, it says "Joseph"!!!
Princess: But, Gamma says GOD is his Dad.....

(Oh, Dear Lord ALMIGHTY....PLEASE do not make me have to explain the "birds and the bees" to a FOUR year old!!!!)

.........................................FLASH FORWARD 10 minutes and several Mama drinks later.......................

Princess: It's JONAH!!! He got ate by a whale!!!

Instigator: You only know that from VeggieTales.....and that just means he got POOPED out later!!!

Princess: NUH-UH!!!!

Instigator: You can't even READ!!!! You are sooo stupid!!! If you get EATEN, you get pooped out!!! It's called SCIENCE....DUUUHHHH!

..................................looking for liquor now....DAMN! Forgot there's none here!!........................................

Oh, Dear Lord.....David and Goliath.......THIS should be interesting!!!!

Princess: YEP!!! That's right!!!! Story about how the "little one" beats the crap out of the BULLY!!!!  ......      BRING IT!!!!

Instigator: You do NOT have as good of aim as HE did!!! You're a GIRL!!!

Six thrown Leggo's and a goose egg on the head later........

ALL OUT WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.................This is where I grab a beer,  kick my legs up on the table and just WAIT for the fallout!!!...........

Flash Forward.....We've moved on to Mommy finding funny religious pics online.

 (Stop judging I couldn't take it anymore! They needed comic relief!) 

The dino/Ark pic from above shows up...

Princess: This is soooooo STUPID!!!! Everyone KNOWS that the Dinosaurs were killed by ALIENS way before they talked to HUMANS!!!

...................................................THIS is where it gets ugly...................................................................

Instigator throws the stack of cards, hitting the Princess in the face....

Princess, in turn, pushes him, and he falls into a deck chair....

Instigator throws aforementioned deck chair at her...

Princess retaliates by kicking him in the....."well, you KNOW where place"

ALL of this in the amount of time it takes me to jump out of MY chair and intervene!!!

Bottom line?

There's something to be learned from EVERY situation.....

There's a REASON they say it's wrong to talk politics or religion!!!!

  

"Feelin' HOT HOT HOT!!!"

I REALLY thought this summer would be easy since I just escaped the "Hell on Earth" NC summers....

WTF?!?!?

I do NOT remember it being THIS stinking hot when I grew up here!!!

I signed up for COOLER summers and UNBEARABLE winters!!

I got the latter  FULL FORCE, but this summer is just CRAZY!!

LUCKILY, I am one of those "glass is half full....so I'll finish it off and grab another" kind of people.

So, I look at this "so fricking hot you wish you were DEAD" spell and MAKE myself figure out ways that this heatwave will benefit ME!!!

(YES, I'm self-absorbed, but I ADMIT it so that makes it acceptable, right?)

Reasons this flipping Hot as Hell Weather makes MY life easier:

1.  COOKING: Come on, now?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?!? Microwave, grill, and sandwiches are soooo much easier than actually cooking WHATEVER meal I make that they'll  REFUSE to eat, anyway!!!!  The "Why do I even bother" factor has gone down DRASTICALLY!!!

2.  No worries about the kiddos running away.....the trail of SWEAT they would leave behind them makes them easier to find!

3.  Bath/Shower time drama...OBSOLETE!!!! The way I see it, if they're gonna HAVE to be in the pool within the next 2 hours.....WHY BOTHER~~ (I heard, somewhere, that chlorine kills germs, anyway!!!)

4.  The excessive humidity?......yeah...that just hydrates the kiddos every time they breathe in, so I don't have to actually get up and get them a drink every other minute!!!

5.  I can just sit inside the house (where my folks REFUSE to turn on the AC) and sweat off extra weight as I save the time involved with actually going to a sauna!!!

6.  NO need to do laundry anymore!!! WTF would I pick out clothes for the kiddos to wear KNOWING they will be half naked within the hour?!?!?!

TRUST me.....

I am NOT a fan of this excessive heat.....

but if it continues to UNcomplicate my life...

I might just send a "Thank You" note to Al Gore