Business Proposal

So by now, I'm sure that many of you have figured out that I have a "unique" way of looking at this whole parenting thing.

(I prefer to think of it as a "Child Abuse Prevention Strategy", but let's not argue over semantics.)

Today, I once again found myself wandering around that "Hell on Earth" better known as Walmart--

(Dear Lord, woman with 6 screaming brats under the age of 7!!! You'll thank me later for the box of condoms I put in your cart!!)

I couldn't help but notice, that the aisles were full of stuff for so-called "normal" children....

pacifiers, teething rings, lullaby cd's, etc. etc.

WHERE is all the really USEFUL stuff for MY kiddos?!?!!?

I refuse to believe that I am the ONLY one out there with kiddos that require "specialized equipment"!!

So, I have come up with a brilliant new idea for a "Surviving Parenthood" store.....

Picture a "Toys R Us" meets "Home Depot"...

I'll call it...

The Reality Check

Here's how I envision the store:

First, and foremost, there WILL be a child "playspace", complete with barbed wire and heavily armed guards so parents can actually shop in PEACE!!!

There will be NO "Express Lanes".....

Instead...

they will be labelled:

1. Still Blissfully Ignorant

2. Hurried, But Still Polite

3. My Next Stop Is The Insane Asylum

4. Get Me the F@#! out of here before I SHOOT someone!!!!

And it needs HELPFUL signs above the aisles:

Aisle 1: Noise Management

Pacifiers, ear plugs, loud speakers, and duct tape

Aisle 2: Sleep and Teething Aids

TV's, nightlights, Benadryl, whiskey, ear plugs, and duct tape

Aisle 3: Safety

Child-proof locks, water thermometers, straight jackets, condoms, and duct tape

Aisle 4: Playtime

Playmats, blocks, empty boxes (imagine the markup on THOSE!), kitchen utensils, and duct tape

Aisle 5: Potty Training

Pull-ups, potty seats, bulk cases of disinfectant, carpet cleaners, air freshener by the case, and duct tape

Aisle 6: Kitchen Supplies

Baby formula, ketchup, a McDonald's restaurant, "truly" spill-proof cups, and duct tape

Aisle 7: Family Health

Infant ibuprofen, bulk Benadryl, bandaids, beer, wine, and duct tape

Aisle 8: Education

ONE children's book (doesn't matter which one, they'll insist on reading the same one over and over anyway), a selection of magazines--Parents, Guns 'N Ammo, Wild Animal Baby, Prevention, MAD, etc., and duct tape

Aisle 9: Lighting

OVERHEAD lights, night lights, and flashlights (there will be NO lamps, ESPECIALLY touch lamps!) and duct tape

Aisle 10: Cleaning Supplies (This Aisle has 3 sections)

1st child: Disinfectant EVERYTHING, bleach, "baby safe" detergents and soaps, bottle brushes,

Diaper Genies

2nd child: Sanitary wipes, Swiffer Wet mops, dishwasher soap, plastic baggies

3+ kids: gardens hoses, used grocery bags, throw away pools, blow torches, and duct tape

It's such a simple concept, really.....

(such an untapped market!!)

and, yes, there is duct tape in almost every aisle....

but, as a mother of 4, I have complete faith in the old saying....

If duct tape can't fix it....

throw it out and get a new one!!!

(Makes the Potty Training aisle VERY interesting, don't you think?!?!)

And, yes, I think that saying should apply to children, too!!!!