OK....I'm WORRIED Now!!!!!

OK.....at this point, I will ASSUME you all know that my kiddos are just a blip in the evolutionary chain.....

but SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

Since we've moved to PA, the stuff that comes out of their mouths!!!

I never know from one minute to the next whether to cry out of utter embarrassment or LAUGH at their creativity!!!!

THIS week's Top 10 WTF statements:

10. PRINCESS: Are you having another baby?

      ME: ummmmm.......NO, why?

      PRINCESS: Because I want another baby NOW!!! I'm going to name her "Rosa"!!!!

I want you to have another baby right NOW so I can name her Rosa!  If YOU won't have another baby....then I WILL!!!! (ummm.....good luck with that one, you're FOUR!!!!)

9.  INSTIGATOR: Mommy...did you know that airplanes are actually birds?
     ME: No, I don't think they are, sweetie
     INSTIGATOR: Well, then, you're stupid.......they are really just white birds who don't flap their wings!!!

8. REF: I like fireflies!!!
    ME: Why's that?
    REF: Their butts light up right before they fart!!......They must fart a LOT!!!!!

7. BEAN: GUMPA!!! (grandpa) Pool please!!!
    ME: ummmm....NO!!! You can't go in the pool without your vest.
    BEAN: hmmmmpppf! Gumpa let me!!!! (conversation with "Gumpa" soon to follow!!!!)

6. PRINCESS: I don't NEED your permission!!!
    ME: ummm....YES, you DO!!! And how do you even KNOW the word "permission"?!??!
    PRINCESS: Because Gramma said that I have permission to wake you up if I think you're sleeping too        late!!!! (yeeeaaahhhh....Gramma's getting a lil talking to!!!!!)

5. REF:  We caught a butterfly today!!!
    ME: Really?!?!?! What kind?
    REF: The kind that DIES when you tear one of his wings off!!! (Damn you, National Geographic Channel!!!)

4. INSTIGATOR: MOMMY!!! Did you know that when it rains, lots of worms come out?
    ME: Yes, I did......did you see some?
    INSTIGATOR: YEP!!!! Did you ALSO know that when I bite them in half they still move?!?!?!? ( not enough toothpaste in the WORLD for that!!!!)

3. REF: We made a bird friend today!!!!!
    ME: Huh? What's that mean?
    REF: We found a bird....he didn't run away! He let us pet him and talk to him....right before he DIED!!! Isn't the COOL?!?!?!?

2. ME: Are you poopy?
    BEAN: (laughing) NO!!
    ME: Are you sure?
    BEAN: Uh-huh......."Gumpa is!!" (ummm....little weird, but I ACTUALLY had to wonder if she was telling the truth!!!!! LOL_

1. PRINCESS: This swimsuit makes my "booties" (boobies) show..
    ME: You don't HAVE boobies, and PULL IT UP!!!!
   PRINCESS: I can't do that!!!! That's the way they DESIGNED  it!!!

(OH, Dear Lord, just give me a license, range membership, and a shotgun right NOW!!!!)

That's what I get for raising a little "mini me", I guess!!!!

Business Proposal

So by now, I'm sure that many of you have figured out that I have a "unique" way of looking at this whole parenting thing.

(I prefer to think of it as a "Child Abuse Prevention Strategy", but let's not argue over semantics.)

Today, I once again found myself wandering around that "Hell on Earth" better known as Walmart--

(Dear Lord, woman with 6 screaming brats under the age of 7!!! You'll thank me later for the box of condoms I put in your cart!!)

I couldn't help but notice, that the aisles were full of stuff for so-called "normal" children....

pacifiers, teething rings, lullaby cd's, etc. etc.

WHERE is all the really USEFUL stuff for MY kiddos?!?!!?

I refuse to believe that I am the ONLY one out there with kiddos that require "specialized equipment"!!

So, I have come up with a brilliant new idea for a "Surviving Parenthood" store.....

Picture a "Toys R Us" meets "Home Depot"...

I'll call it...

The Reality Check

Here's how I envision the store:

First, and foremost, there WILL be a child "playspace", complete with barbed wire and heavily armed guards so parents can actually shop in PEACE!!!

There will be NO "Express Lanes".....

Instead...

they will be labelled:

1. Still Blissfully Ignorant

2. Hurried, But Still Polite

3. My Next Stop Is The Insane Asylum

4. Get Me the F@#! out of here before I SHOOT someone!!!!

And it needs HELPFUL signs above the aisles:

Aisle 1: Noise Management

Pacifiers, ear plugs, loud speakers, and duct tape

Aisle 2: Sleep and Teething Aids

TV's, nightlights, Benadryl, whiskey, ear plugs, and duct tape

Aisle 3: Safety

Child-proof locks, water thermometers, straight jackets, condoms, and duct tape

Aisle 4: Playtime

Playmats, blocks, empty boxes (imagine the markup on THOSE!), kitchen utensils, and duct tape

Aisle 5: Potty Training

Pull-ups, potty seats, bulk cases of disinfectant, carpet cleaners, air freshener by the case, and duct tape

Aisle 6: Kitchen Supplies

Baby formula, ketchup, a McDonald's restaurant, "truly" spill-proof cups, and duct tape

Aisle 7: Family Health

Infant ibuprofen, bulk Benadryl, bandaids, beer, wine, and duct tape

Aisle 8: Education

ONE children's book (doesn't matter which one, they'll insist on reading the same one over and over anyway), a selection of magazines--Parents, Guns 'N Ammo, Wild Animal Baby, Prevention, MAD, etc., and duct tape

Aisle 9: Lighting

OVERHEAD lights, night lights, and flashlights (there will be NO lamps, ESPECIALLY touch lamps!) and duct tape

Aisle 10: Cleaning Supplies (This Aisle has 3 sections)

1st child: Disinfectant EVERYTHING, bleach, "baby safe" detergents and soaps, bottle brushes,

Diaper Genies

2nd child: Sanitary wipes, Swiffer Wet mops, dishwasher soap, plastic baggies

3+ kids: gardens hoses, used grocery bags, throw away pools, blow torches, and duct tape

It's such a simple concept, really.....

(such an untapped market!!)

and, yes, there is duct tape in almost every aisle....

but, as a mother of 4, I have complete faith in the old saying....

If duct tape can't fix it....

throw it out and get a new one!!!

(Makes the Potty Training aisle VERY interesting, don't you think?!?!)

And, yes, I think that saying should apply to children, too!!!!

Generation "Y in the HELL?!?!?!?"

As most of you have figured out....

I laugh at my life so I don't load up on duct tape and rope and do something I "might" regret.

("REGRET" is one of those words that's just soooo vague!!! LOL)

Well, at this point in my life, I've decided that my crazy, comical, stressed out world would SOAR in the Nielsen ratings!!! (Do they even HAVE those anymore?!?!)

I'll admit, I have an AWESOME job!!

FANTASTIC hours, NO stress, great people, and it's FUN!!!!

But, like all working moms, the kiddos have to pay the price from time to time....

and by "pay the price" I mean....

having to hang out ALL day with the very same people who raised ME!!!

Don't get me wrong...

my parents have been AMAZING!!!

They have allowed me to work, have a social life, and move a family of 5 INSANE people into their once quiet home......BUT

(and there's always a butt when it involves MY kiddos running around with their pants falling down)

there IS a slight Generational Gap that is VERY apparent!!!

For instance...

MUSIC:

I find it absolutely HYSTERICAL when the Princess starts singing "inappropriate" songs in the car! (I'm sorry, but a 4 yr old singing "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?", just makes me laugh out loud EVERY time!!!!

MOVIES:

When the Ref tells me that he is "bored" with a horror flick because there "isn't enough blood", I mean, COME ON....I just want to hold him close and say, "That's my boy!".....brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it!

TV:

We all know that times have changed on TV regulations....and my folks STILL think that "Roseanne" was an "inappropriate family show"......so I take a little heat when I come home and am told that the kiddos got mad because "Ghost Adventures" (an episode where Zack tried to get a succubus to lay in bed with him) got turned off!!!.....COME ON!!! That's just good, quality family bonding time right there!!!!

CARTOONS:

OK, OK...I'll admit that MOST cartoons suck nowadays.....but, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?  Whenever I see the kiddos running around pretending to kill each other with laser beams and alien weapons rather than guns....I secretly feel a little bit proud....after all, Guns don't kill people, toxic alien slime and four-armed alien freaks kill people!!!

TOYS:

Maybe it's just me, (because apparently it's not my folks), but I think that running through the toy aisles with swords and helmets is FUN!!!! With all of the sound effects and light effects on toys now, I would MUCH rather look like a crazy person in the STORE than actually bring that crap HOME where it can annoy me on a daily basis!!!

Soooo...

I wouldn't trade my life for the world....

I might be a little "unconventional", but I like it that way.....

Afterall....

If the kiddos weren't as "abnormal" as I am....

I'd have to write this all from a padded room somewhere...

And it's hard to type with a straight jacket on!!!!

Daily Control

OK, folks....

I'm pretty sure that this picture sums up my ENTIRE motherhood career!!!!!

The thing I can't seem to figure out, though, is WHY the kiddos haven't caught on to this concept, yet!!!!

I must have said it about a million times by now!!!!

I control what kind of day they will have!!!

1. If I have to wake up to the seemingly unrelenteless alarm, then  YOU will wake up to a screaming Banshee telling you to get the F out of bed and get ready!!!

2. Oh, I'm sorry....if you INSIST on having the last bagel in the house for breakfast (even though I am the ONLY one who actually EATS bagels), I WILL burn it on purpose, just to SPITE you!!!!

3. I have to listen to you scream in Walmart because you didn't save up enough $$ yet to buy that annoying flipping toy that I don't want in the house anyway?.....Just wait until I tell you I don't have enough $$ for gas to drive your whiny little but to recreation, and I make you WALK everyday!!

4. The next time I have to take an icy shower because you just HAD to get in first and stay in there until ALL the hot water was gone, I WILL leave the sink running with hot water during YOUR shower the next day!!

5. If I lose anymore sleep because you simply can NOT sleep anywhere other than on top of my HEAD, and pull my hair ALL night long....you MIGHT want to think about those pigtails you love so much.....they are only ONE random haircut away!!!

Sooooo.....there you have it...

No matter what it is...

MY bad day MAKES your bad day, ANY day I so choose!!!

Any and ALL complaints you might have about that fact can be directed to someone who has actually SLEPT in the last seven years!!!