Check, PLEASE!!!!!!

I LOVE TO COOK!!

I'm not talking your standard "Hamburger Helper" or Tuna Casserole kind of cooking, either.

I like to spend my whole afternoon in the kitchen looking at a basic recipe and "improvising" along the way just to see how FANTASTIC I can really make it.

Alas.....as with everything else in my life that I truly enjoy doing JUST FOR ME....

the kiddos have sucked the fun right out of it!!!

Don't get me wrong, I still love cooking, just NOT when all I hear after putting it on the table is, 

"EWWWW.....what's that?!?!"

"I don't LIKE chicken!" (Really? You couldn't get enough of it last time!)

"I want Peanut Butter and Jelly!"

So, I end up eating all the fruits of my labor by myself........FOR THE NEXT WEEK!!!!

So, now that I am stuck trying to cook in another person's kitchen (without all my "go to" gadgets and ingredients), I decided that it might actually be more fun and less of a hassle to dine out more often......

I must have hit the cooking wine pretty hard before making this decision because it was completely STUPID!!

Well, the 4 kiddos and I headed out to dinner tonight.

(4 kids+2 hands=PAIN IN THE FLIPPING A$$!!!!)

Soooo....here are the highlights of my "break" from cooking for the family:

 

1. Oh, Good Lord, NO!! We've eaten here before, so it's a 2 on 2 battle over whether or not we need to eat at the SAME table or a NEW one!!! Where the HE!! is the "Please Wait to be Seated" sign when I need it?!?!

2. Trying to be "budget friendly", I order water with lemon for everyone. Well, I tell the kiddos that it's "lemonade", so why does the waitress INSIST on trying to confirm the drink order FOUR times....when they DON'T EVEN HAVE LEMONADE?!?!?!

3. We order an appetizer.....an absolute MUST for trying to salvage your sanity with kids!!! The plate of fries comes....seriously, folks?!?!? Why on earth do you deliver a piping hot plate of fries (yes...even the PLATE was too hot to touch!) to a woman sitting alone with 4 young children?!?!? So, we spend the next 5 minutes just STARING at our food waiting for it to cool down enough to eat!

4.  FOOD COMES!!!! Gotta love a place where you can order pizza for the kids and something healthy for Mommy!!! EXCEPT when your nephew happens to work in the kitchen!!! (don't you just LOVE small towns?!?!) My nephew (bless his heart, he was trying to be helpful) decided to cut all of the kids' pizza slices into bite size pieces. Ummm...yeah...you OBVIOUSLY don't have kids, yet!!! The Ref and the Instigator decided that pizza is NOT meant to be eaten piece by piece!!! I totally agree....but is it REALLY worth the argument with the innocent waitress?!?!?  BTW....the Princess just REFUSED to eat it altogether!

5. I am smarter than the average bear!!! I learned a long time ago that eating ANYTHING with kids means that I will be eating a cold meal!!! So I decided to outsmart the laws of parenthood years ago!! The only thing I order when going out to eat......SALAD!!!!! It's a BRILLIANT idea!! By the time you cut stuff for them, take away the knives (BTW.....why can't family restaurants make SEPARATE sets of utensils WITHOUT knives for young kids?), blow on their forks, "unspill" their drinks, and pry the flipping crayons from their death grips.......your food will be cold anyway!!!! 

I won't even MENTION the fact that the Bean decided that pizza is better on her HEAD, or that she will eat Ranch Dressing as if it's SOUP!!!

So.....the next time I try to venture out and "make it easy on myself"....

PLEASE remind me that eating leftovers for the next week is actually GOOD for your stress level!!!

Bless Their Hearts

I was raised in the church, and I am a Christian, but I've never been one of those "preachy" people,

nor am I one who thinks that you have to reject all fun and personal freedom.

That being said, I truly appreciate the values, discipline, and friendships that a child (and adult) can gain by attending weekly church services. So, I try my best to ensure that the kiddos get that same experience.

Up until now, I haven't been so good about this:

 It typically became a routine where, on Saturday night, I would say we are going to church in the morning, and then realize that, by 9AM on Sunday, getting all four kids ready and out the door actually causes me to cuss like a sailor and feel so frustrated that sitting in church and "reconnecting" is the LAST thing I feel like doing! 

The more I think about it, families like mine are probably the reason that North Carolina has a "Blue Law" that doesn't allow you to buy alcohol before noon on Sundays!!! At least that way, you can't ditch church for a beer run! (Yes, I'll admit, sometimes that law is the ONLY thing that stopped me from doing just that!)

So, as I start this new chapter of my life, I figured I would start fresh, and--WTH--make it even MORE difficult on myself!!!

We will try to attend a service at 8:30!! Yes, folks, I mean AM not PM!!!!

Well........here's how the morning went:

It started off alright, I dragged my tired butt out of bed at 6:30 so I could start to get ready and let the kiddos sleep a little bit longer. Flash forward to the Princess POUNDING on the bathroom door wondering, 

"WHY on earth are you taking a shower in the middle of the night?!?! Don't you know I'm SCARED downstairs?!?"

So, I manage to get all of the kids out of bed, fed (why is it that whenever we are in a hurry, they all need DIFFERENT things for breakfast, but if we have all day, cold cereal is just fine?!?!), and cleaned up.

Getting them dressed, however, is another story altogether!

Of course, we just moved from the South, so we have a VERY limited amount of winter clothes, and it's flipping COLD here at 8 in the morning!!! Not to mention, the Princess has very particular (i.e.-STUBBORN) ideas about what she will and will not wear on any given day. Today, that meant a long, drawn out battle about why she simply can NOT wear her 2 sizes too small beach dress to church in 20 degree weather!
We finally find something suitable for her to wear, and, guess what? Apparently Mommy only packed ONE of her dress shoes!! (either that or I'm too stupid to actually pack them in the same box, and I'm sorry, but I am not going to hunt through all of the other boxes at 8AM!) So, she winds up wearing a beautiful, red, CHRISTMAS dress.......and ratty old sneakers!

Not to be outdone by his little sister, the Instigator had to find a way to convince me that an early morning church service was simply NOT going to happen.
His solution:
Use your toothbrush (with toothpaste on it) to brush your hair!
No, he was not being forgetful, silly, or just plain weird.
He KNOWS the chaos this causes because earlier this week a late night "bathroom war" resulted in the Ref smearing toothpaste in little bro's  hair in order to send him screaming thus leaving the sink free for him to win the "get ready for bed fastest" contest. (A contest, by the way, that was never approved by the Mom committee)

At this point, I am moving along on sheer and utter determination.
I WILL NOT LOSE TO 4 LITTLE DEVILS when I am trying to expose them to religion, DAMMIT!

The Bean is still running around naked, the Ref has underwear on his head (not HIS underwear, just some he pulled out of the drawer for the fun of it!!), and we have 5 minutes to leave.

SUCCESS!!
We are out the door (almost) on time!

OOPS! Mommy forgot that "Spring" in the North means you still need to leave time to scrape your windshield! Forget it, let the defrost handle it.....
2 blocks later...
Find Mommy at an intersection frantically scraping the windshield with a CD case because it's too darn cold for the defrost to take care of it fast enough!

Don't ask me how, but we managed to get there on time.
We sit down, and all seems to be going well....
they are all too shy and nervous to cause a scene.

Yeah....right up until they decided they'd had enough!!
I'll admit, I'm outnumbered 4 to 1, and there's only so much I can expect to do with only 2 hands.
So, once the Bean decided to try to explore everything, wiggle uncontrollably, and pull Mommy's hair, the Princess decided that she was absolutely DYING if she didn't eat something right that minute, and the Ref just stood there laughing hysterically at all of this.......we just got out of there!!

I'm sorry, I hate to leave and let the kids win, but I DO know when it's all for show and when the kids have just hit the Point of No Return. Once that happens, it's a lost cause; there's no salvaging the situation.

So, if I'm spending eternity in Hell for not being able to get my kids to church...

at least I'll have my 4 little "Angels" to keep me company!!!

The Big Move

Well, it's official!!

My kiddos and I are now living the Northern life!

While it's always nice to get back to my roots, this time is much more difficult than I ever imagined.....

"Visiting" my hometown is MUCH less stressful than actually LIVING here 

(especially when you factor in the kiddos' born and raised Southern blood)!

Let's just say, we've suffered through our fair share of bumps and bruises on this new chapter of our lives....

Wait a second, let me back up.....did I just say "chapter"?

With all that this past week (that's right, it's only been ONE week!), I could already write an entire NOVEL on the chaos we--and by "we", I mean "I"---have had to endure!!!

Characters:

                     Stressed out Mom, the "Ref"--7 yr old who HATES change, the "Instigator"--6  yr old who will create issues just to make himself laugh, the "Princess"--4 yr old who is POSITIVE the world revolves around her, and the "Bean"--18 mos old who has managed to acquire EVERY personality flaw of her older siblings!!!

                       Supporting Characters: Mama dog with her OWN issues, and devil puppy

CHAPTER 1:  PACKING

It sounds simple enough, doesn't it? Take everything you own, throw it into a few boxes/bags and move onto the next room. (Let me assure that is NOT the case with us!)

Picture this:

Mom on a mission who has to decide EVERYTHING the kiddos and she will need to take--but there's a catch (isn't there ALWAYS a catch with my family?):

Since you can't physically FIT 4 car seats and a driver in a moving truck, our entire lives need to fit into a 4X8 trailer (because that is the biggest one we can tow) and the remaining space of the minivan. (OK, I can handle that! I'm always up for a good challenge anyway!)

OK....I've got a plan now, and I know what we can/can't take with us......

unfortunately, everything I DO pack ahead of time (i.e.-toys they NEVER play with, clothes not quite weather appropriate yet, and flipping baby memory stuff that they have NEVER wanted to look at before) is suddenly strewn all over my living room floor because it all, suddenly, the COOLEST stuff on the planet!!!! I had to repack EVERYTHING about a dozen times!!!! OH! Let's not forget devil puppy's role in all of this!!! Let's just say, that some of the first photos of the kiddos, first school crafts, etc......are now being partially used as fertilizer for my old garden!!!!

CHAPTER 2:  MOVING DAY

WOW! It's finally time to load up the trailer and go!!! What's that you say? Despite what your internet site told me, my van, in reality, can NOT tow ANY trailer?!?!?!? Do I seriously need to grab your scrawny little, gas station owning, redneck throat to make you understand my week?!?!? Now, mind you, we tried to move a week EARLIER, but the company reserved us a trailer at a place that does not even CARRY trailers anymore!!! So, at this point, I was ready to go all Danny Glover "SNAPPED" on the man!!

Now, my survival instincts kick in:

Plan A--scrapped

Plan B--ripped out from under me

Plan C (a cargo carrier)--unavailable

PLAN D!!!!!!---rearrange the seats in the van, pack whatever you can.....and GO!!!!
Picture me throwing bags of clothes down the steps, out the door and into the car....
all the while, Mama Dog is darting in and out of the house ensuring that I will get a phone call in the near future about, yet another, litter of devil pups we can't get rid of!!!

CHAPTER 3: THE DRIVE

Oh, Dear Lord!!! I'm going to have flashbacks just thinking about this!!!

It's a 10 hour drive, folks......and that's withOUT pit stops or stretch breaks!!!
Not even 10 MINUTES into it, I hear my first, "Are we there, yet?!?!"
You have GOT to be kidding me!
My answer: "Nope! And the next time I hear those words....I will start driving in circles just to make sure we are not there for another YEAR or so!!!"
(Actually, a proud Mommy moment for me, as I didn't hear it ONCE more the entire trip!!)

The first stop was a lunch/potty break not even 2 hours into the trip.
I sincerely apologize to EVERY other person in that McDonald's that day!!!
This was, by FAR, the worst my kiddos have EVER acted in a restaurant of ANY kind!
It was enough to make me seriously reconsider the move!!

Imagine, if you will, Chicken McNuggets being thrown at other children, chairs being knocked over, the "Bean" running up the big kid tunnels and Mama chasing after her, and let's not forget.......4 other kids screaming, "EEEWWWWW!" as the "Ref" let one rip right in the middle of one of the maze tunnels!!!
"Princess" decided that this was soooo funny she would snort chocolate milk out of her nose onto the "Instigator"'s food...oooohhh! you do NOT mess with him when it comes to his food!!!

Enough said......45minutes later.....we cut and run so fast that they are lucky to be a fast food chain, and we had to pay up front!!

We really did make great time, though...for one reason and one reason ONLY:
I could NOT physically spend one extra minute in the car with them!!!

The rest of the trip went like this:
Princess: "I'm too cold!".....Ref: "It's hot in here!"
"I dropped my drink!", "The radio's too loud!", "I can't hear the song!"
and, the oh so popular....."I think the 'Bean' pooped her diaper!!! Open a window!!!!"

Seriously, anyone who wants a large family should be FORCED to take a 10+ hour trip with four kids ALONE before they are aloud to do so!!!!

CHAPTER 4: SETTLING IN

Are you serious?!?!?
We've only been here a week, and we are living in my parents' basement!!!!
There is no Chapter 4!!

I'm writing the sequel as you read this!!!!

Rebels Without a Clue

Alright, so apparently, we have passed on our "rebel spirits" to the kids.....

they are either too young to grasp the concept fully.....

OR....they are gonna be complete and utter FRAUDS!!!!

A few days ago, the Princess offered up this bit of wisdom:

"I want candy!!!"......"It's 9 AM, girl.....not happening!!".......flash forward to her holding a lollipop in front of my face....."I WILL open this whether you like it or NOT!!!.....if that's ok?"

Well, sorry, girl, but you just revealed your hand before it was time!!!

If you ASK me if it's alright to be defiant.....what do you really expect my response to be?!?!?!

So I've ruled out a career in detective work or the legal profession for her....or, for that matter, acting!

I have to wonder, though....

In this day and age when EVERYTHING is "accepted" (or, at the very least, expected to be accepted!)...

How can ANY child be "different", be a rebel, find their own "uniqueness"?

Go figure, I have a few thoughts on it.....

Rebels USED to be the ones with tattoos.....not so much anymore. It seems like now, if you DON'T have a tattoo, then you are out of the normal realm! Don't get me wrong....I love tattoos!! I have one myself, and I plan on a few more! (and let's just face it, folks......people with tattoos are a lot more fun to look at naked!!!!) I have to ask, though.....didn't tattoos USED to mean that you were different and NOT going along with the trend? The way things look now, the only way my kiddos will be "normal" is to have 10 skull/rose/facial portraits permanently inked on their a$$es before they are 16 years old!

The Ref and the Instigator have a bad habit....(ie---PROBLEM) with their pants falling down and showing their butts to the world!!!.....Well, I think that's an ISSUE!!! Apparently, though, the world now looks at this as a "fashion statement"!!! I need your help here.  If you see my boys and their cracks are showing.....tell them to get a belt!!! DO NOT encourage it as a nonconformist type of fashion!!!!

The Ref now thinks that picking his nose in public is "individual".....ummm....sorry, dude, but I just saw 10 people driving down the road doing the same thing!!!! Added bonus........yeah, well, I can't even type what they did with their secret finds!!!!

My little Princess....Sweet little Princess....REFUSES to admit that she has outgrown some of her favorite dresses!!! That means that she insists on prancing around in dresses that, well, are WAY too short for her!!! 10 years ago.....rebel....NOW.....EVERY girl thinks it's appropriate to have her skirt hiked up high enough to see her belly button!!!!! NOT my idea of cute!!! Princess, I'm begging you, put on some flipping leggings on if you want to wear that dress!!!!

(sidenote: if she EVER buys a pair of thongs on MY dime.......I'll decorate the cardboard box FOR her and she can live on the street!!!!!!)

Cussing as a form of independence.....ummm....have you HEARD the latest songs on the radio?!?!?!!? Apparently vulgar language is now the coolest trend of the day!!! I'll admit....I can be an absolute MASTER of the language...but , if my kids hear it, I had BETTER be the one to blame rather than the song I am blaring on the radio!!! Hello?!?!?!?!?!? What ever happened to Tipper Gore?!?!?!?

OK...so here's the final verdict...

There are NO rebels, anymore!!!

All we have now is kids that skirt the edges of mainstream, and then have the nerve to declare themselves "individuals"!!!

The definition of "individual" only seems to mean that you don't really fit in, but your Mommy and Daddy have enough pull to make sure that your life is PERFECT!!! 

I am not going to worry about it....

If you need me, I'll be at the tattoo studio getting "Rebel Without a Clue" inked on my forehead! 

North vs. South.....the NEW Civil War!!!!!

Alright, so I know that I have been busy lately and unable to put up a new post,

but I had NO idea it had actually been so many days!!

(Luckily, none of you took me seriously before when I mentioned calling the cops if this blog suddenly disappears!!! hahahah)

The reason WHY I haven't been posting......

I'M PREGNANT!!!

(LMAO! SERIOUSLY, people?!??! I already have 4 reasons to self-medicate everyday!!! NO chance of another any time soon!!!)

Seriously, though...

I'm in the middle of moving back up North.

All of the stress, chaos, and disorder that comes with moving has kept my lighthearted spirit suppressed.

It HAS gotten me to thinking, though.

There are a MILLION reasons for moving back to my hometown, and, when I stop to think about it...

I'm not sure what took me so long!

I decided that there are definitely things I will NOT miss about the South, and things I can't WAIT to get back to again up North....

Things The South should NEVER advertise:

1. Sweet Tea:

    Honestly....if I want sugar added to my Iced Tea, I would have ASKED for it!!!!

2. Summer:

    Ummmm....yeah.....somehow the commercials NEVER show everyone practically MELTING to death  in  100+ temperatures for 4 months of the year!!!

3. Bugs:

    Do you even KNOW what it's like to have a 4 year old CHOKE after walking into a swarm of termites?!?!

4. Thunderstorms:

     I used to LOVE playing in the rain as a child.....the last time my kids did that, it turned from a festive, summer shower to the Princess getting pelted in the forehead by a giant hailstone!

5. Winter:

     I'll grant you that winter here is short-lived, mild, and a lot less annoying than in the North....BUT.....when it DOES snow, sleet, or any other kind of thing that Jack Frost has in mind....EVERYTHING CLOSES for at least 2 days (usually before anything even happens....if it DOES happen!), and, God forbid you actually find something OPEN...you can't get there because it takes 2 days to clear the roads and 2 WEEKS for anyone to figure out how to DRIVE in it!!!

Northern Secrets:

1. Winter:

     It's so freakin' cold for 6 months of the year, that the kids actually play outside in the snow ALL day!!! They understand that, once your limbs go numb, it's not that cold anymore!

2.  Summer:

     The dead heat of the summer does NOT entail every man, woman, and child walking around looking like some sort of movie reject from "Night of the Living Dead", complete with sweat stains, dripping foreheads, and parched lips.

3. Rain:

    Most summer rainstorms involve children running around outside in their swimsuits, jumping in puddles, and screaming....."I don't need a BATH tonight!!!!!!!!" instead of cowering in the corner for fear that their house is going to explode or....God forbid.....the cable will go out!!!

4. Gas:

    If I need gas for my car....I go to the gas station! Down here, if I need gas......I wait 20 minutes in line behind 5 4-wheelers, a tractor, and 3 scooters!!!

5. Cops:

    Down South, if I get pulled over by the police, I have to hike my shirt down, bring on the tears, and point to the kiddos going psycho in the back......Back home...."Hey!!! I know you!!!! I've got WAAAAYYYY more dirt on you than you want to deal with!!!!!"

Hands down!!

My little redneck town up North beats my little redneck town down South!!!

PS--

I expect a PARADE upon my return!!!!

hahahahh

When I Grow Up.....

I still remember all of my hopes and dreams as a small child.

(In fact, they were a huge part of my wedding vows!)

I wanted to be an astronaut, a teacher, a baker........

but one thing always remained constant.....

I ALWAYS wanted to be a Mother!

Luckily, that foremost dream became a reality for me....

NOT so luckily,

I  NEVER KNEW WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO!!!!

The kiddos are now old enough that they are starting to develop their own dreams and hopes for the future.

I wanted to share some of their "career goals", and the reasons why I sincerely HOPE they change their minds a million times over!!!

Some of their "future plans" over the last year:

The Ref:

1. TEACHER: OK, great idea.....HOWEVER, you HATE school and homework, and projects, and well.....let's just face it......a teacher who's pants keep falling down to reveal 'crackage' is just plain creepy!!!

2. MAGICIAN: If you could master that...THAT WOULD ROCK!!! Remember, though, I've seen you try to make your boogers disappear without me noticing that they go straight into your MOUTH!

3. Cable Guy: OK, this one's courtesy of his Dad.....but imagine your life if your cable/Internet goes out, and you call someone whose selective hearing is soooooo bad that you have to countdown from 5 before he'll even HEAR what you are telling him!

The Instigator:

1. BOXER: Well, he's actually quite suited to this career except for the fact that he goes into a complete and total meltdown every time someone LOOKS at him wrong, and his "go to" move is hitting below the belt!!

2. PRO SKATEBOARDER: Yes, I've told you all about his daredevil tactics and wanting to skateboard off the roof....he definitely has the spirit for it....BUT.....every time we watch it on TV he says that the skateboard was MADE wrong whenever someone falls (personal responsibility is NOT a strong point of his!).

3. CHEF: He likes to cook. (Why wouldn't he? I LOVE to cook!!!) However, I just watch him tonight try to put green "gloop" (that solid/liquid stuff you make with cornstarch and water) into the spaghetti sauce and REFUSE to wash his hands before/after doing ANYTHING gross!! (I foresee a REALLY bad Health Dept. grade in his future!!!) (side note: He dressed as the chef from 'Rattatouille' for Halloween....INSISTED that I put blood on the chef jacket because, after all, he'd had a RAT CLAWING AT HIS HEAD AND CHEST!)

Princess:

1. BALLERINA: Awww....every little girls' dream, right? Well, as she said it......she walked FACE FIRST into a wall!!!! Gracefulness.....NOT her given talent!!

2. SANTA CLAUS: That's sooo sweet!!! I'll give you the credit for being the size of an elf and looking like Cindy Lou Who....so I can kind of make the connection. That being said....I have NEVER seen you willingly give up a toy in YOU ENTIRE LIFE!!! Not even for 5 minutes!!!! I can see kids screaming all over the world on Christmas morning!

3. MIND READER: I have to give her credit on this one....I've neer heard a child want to be a mindreader when they grow up.  Yet, THIS is how she told me...."I've decided I want to be a mind reader when I grow up......well, I'm not sure, yet....I can't figure out what I think about that!".....ummmm....yeah......probably NOT a good career choice if you can't figure out what YOU think!!!

4. THE BEAN: Come on, folks! SERIOUSLY?!?!? She's only 17 months.....even I am not THAT good at seeing her preferences, yet!!!

All said and done, though...I know the kiddos will be just fine!

After all.....I had my kiddos a little later in life....

so, by the time they are grown and working in their chosen fields....

I'll be too delusional to care WHAT they are doing to the rest of you!!!!