Bath Time

Dear Boy1:

    For starters, when I asked you to take a shower, you acted as if I was telling you to go stand in a downfall of battery acid! So what made you think that, while I was cleaning up the downstairs for FIVE minutes, that it would be a good idea for YOU to draw a bath for the girls and put them in it, just so you they could use the bath toy, CHRISTMAS gifts you gave to them TODAY?!?!?
     Thankfully (or not so much), I was lucky enough to walk in before you put the baby in the tub, only to discover that you had already taken off her diaper, which had the added bonus of being a "shit storm" of diarrhea spewed around the bathroom!!! I can only HOPE that someday you'll know the joys of scrubbing baby poop off of a bathroom ceiling! (How did you even manage to DO that, by the way?!?) Let's not even MENTION the fact that, while I was still cleaning up said "shit storm", you decided to show the Princess how funny it would be that her new "rubber froggies" can "piss" all over the living room floor, walls, and furniture!!!!
     I would really appreciate it if you would stop "helping" me, since it always results in utter chaos that I DON'T want to deal with!  

Love always,
The newest mommy in the psych ward

Burdens To Society

Let's start with a disclaimer:

I've ALWAYS assumed that the kiddos would NEVER grow up to be rocket scientists, heart surgeons, nuclear physicists, or any other crazy thing that could actually SUPPORT me in my retirement. 

HELL, I knew LONG ago that the next generation's Einstein was NOT living in MY house!

I KNOW that my parenting skills are NOT that good!

HOWEVER (and it's a big fricking, HOWEVER)

I DID assume that at least ONE of the four would grow up to be competent enough to choose a decent nursing home for me once they've driven me to the brink of insanity!

It turns out, I'm probably going be covered in bed sores, pi$$ing my bed, and desperately SCREAMING for the nurse to bring me the "good" meds (as legally allowed, of course) because tonight PROVED that the kiddos don't have a fricking CLUE about ANYTHING!

What I went through tonight just PROVES that if the kiddos are anything less than a "burden on society"....

I did my job, and I did it all while avoiding that padded room (barely).

Welcome to this evening's events:

I just have to tell the story as it happened. If I ramble, then get the frick over it.

I was downstairs, ignoring the fact that my kiddos are probably up to no good after I put the Ref into the shower:

Suddenly, I hear....."MAMMA!!!! HELP!!!"

I dash upstairs to find the Instigator trying to clean up all of the glitter, that the baby "threw in the air" with, of ALL things, a BLOW DRYER!

While I'm on my hands and freaking knees trying to clean up the flipping "glitterstorm" that she caused, I hear a random scream about how it's "RAINING downstairs!!!!"

I run downstairs (glitter STILL on my face, I'm sure), only to find a WATERFALL happening in the basement!!!

Apparently, the Ref didn't have the forethought to know that shower curtains and the absence of randomly throwing water out of the fricking shower are NOT favored upon!

I go downstairs and find a WATERFALL of ignorance!!!!!! 

The ONLY saving grace is that the Instigator was "smart" enough to throw a freaking TISSUE on the floor to clean it up!

I'm not talking about "puddles" here, I'm talking about an absofuckinglutely FLOOD of the basement!

My BIGGEST hope for my old age is the Instigator.....HE at least threw a freaking TISSUE on the floor to sop up the mess!!!

If it had been some randomly evil plan to have fun.....I  could respect it, but......sadly, NO.......

it was just outright stupid.

ROAD TRIP!!!

So this was it!!!

The big TWO weeks without my little band of misfits to keep me company!

I DID survive, but barely!

Let me just tell you, though, if you ever decide to move 10 hours away from the other parental unit....

you're just ASKING for a nightmare when it comes to visitation!

Yeah, yeah, yeah....I love 'em to death and went nuts without them,

but THIS time I'm just talking about all of the GD flipping driving involved with getting them there and back!!!

Let's start with the fact, the my van is a POS:

I'm going to tell you all a secret because I KNOW you won't say a word to anyone:

I've worked at an auto parts store TWICE in the past, and, well....

it's not so much that I don't KNOW what work my van needs done, as

I just really don't want to be BOTHERED with HAVING it done!

Before I headed down South to drop the kiddos off, I mentioned to a dear friend that my brakes and rotors were bad...

I was informed, of course, that "Ummm....those are your BRAKES....you kind of need them to STOP!"

Well, let's just say that I considered that a DARE!!

Soooo.....I set off on my trek sans adequate brakes, and, oh yeah! Let's just add in the fact that my left blinker light is out!!!

(Nothing says, "I'm changing lanes, you stupid A$$ trucker", than a woman in a minivan full of kids about ready to make you jack-knife your rig just because you have no idea about the screaming she has endured!!)

Truth be told...I was scared to DEATH, but we got there safe and sound.

Kid-swap was peaceful, and I set off to discover what two weeks without the kiddos would feel like...

On a sidenote:

That blinker light started working again less than an HOUR after I dropped the kiddos off!!!

(Any one with a Forensics background want to look into that for me?  It seems a little TOO coincidental!)

TWO WEEKS:

Blah, blah, blah, life sucks....turns out I don't actually LIKE alone time!

(SHHH!!! I'm only admitting that because I KNOW I can trust you folks not to breathe

 a WORD of that to anyone!!!)

Flash forward 2 weeks:

TIME TO GET THE KIDDOS!!!

The trip to pick them up....not NEARLY as smooth!!!

We were meeting in the same place...should be smooth, right?

HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

(OH! FYI: Fixed the blinker but STILL haven't fixed the brakes)

I decided I needed to borrow my Dad's GPS, you know, "just in case"...

(Dear Lord, forgive me for all of the things I've borrowed from that man thinking they would actually HELP me out!!!)

First thing I notice, of course, is the "Estimated Time of Arrival"...

Oh, GOODIE!!!!

A CHALLENGE!!!

(I looked at the freaking thing and thought, "SERIOUSLY?!?! That MUST be a dare!!!")

When I beat that time by more than an hour, I secretly thanked Doc Emmit Brown and the flux capicitor he OBVIOUSLY hooked up in my van because I felt like a TOTAL time traveler!!!

NOW I'VE GOT THE KIDDOS!!!!!!

The trip back, I assume, will be as simple as it was down......

(famous last words)

Did I mention that I'm using my dad's GPS?!?!?!

Turns out, he reprogrammed it before I left!!

Soooo....I took me back a COMPLETELY different way!

(Note to Self: You're buying your OWN GPS and never borrowing one from ANYone else EVER again!!!)

OK, I'll cut to the chase:

I got the kiddos....

I won't even MENTION the construction and traffic....

Storms left the GPS utterly USELESS!!!!

(Pretty sure a CAVEMAN could have navigated his way home better than I did!)

Anyway...

Long story short....

I found my small town (completely IGNORANT of Big City common sense) self lost and wandering in the middle of downtown Baltimore with 4 small kiddos who are even more clueless than I am!!!

THREE courtesy lessons from completely creepy dudes on how to clean my windshield later...

we find our way out.

Oh, GOODIE!!!

A LIGHTNING storm!!!

YES!!! I just LOVE zero visibility!!

GOLF SIZE HAIL?

Of course!!

This is where my nerves are so shot that I can't take it anymore.....

Whichever hotel has a room available is earning a few bucks!

Nothing like a Midnight check-in to a hotel....

We are lucky enough to get the "smells like cat piss room"

Yeah, I can't check out early enough...

go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep........

I'm awake, needless to say, I didn't pack a bag so I have NOTHING to even brush my hair/teeth with...

Thank GOD for continental breakfast!!!

(all of which, of course, ended up in the trash!!!)

On the road again...

"I have to pee!!!!"

Good for you.....you'll set a world record when we actually make it home then!!! 

End of story.....

Amtrack will be seeing 4 VERY busy customers every 6 months for the next several years!!!

I can't handle it, otherwise!

KIDLESS!!!!

I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The kiddos left a few days ago to spend 2 weeks with their dad.

I KNEW I'd miss them, but I was actually kind of excited to have some "free time".....

Yeah.....

turns out I don't actually LIKE "free time"!

Let's just say that, when bored, lonely, and left to fend for MYSELF,

I tend to make REALLY bad decisions!!!!

I do things I would NEVER do if the kiddos were here to amuse/entertain me.

For example:

I went on a "wine tour" when I don't even LIKE wine! (Once I was told I could drink beer on the bus, though, I figured, "HEY! Count me in!!")........I woke up the next morning realizing there's a REASON I don't drink wine! (In my defense.....no one told me you can't chug wine the same way you can beer!!!)

I decided it would be a good chance to start running to clear my mind.  I DON'T run!!! Apparently, when my own "cell phone hating" mother tells me I'd BETTER take my phone with me "just in case"....I should actually LISTEN to her! (It would have been MUCH easier to call for a ride that last 1/2 block home!)

One word: ZUMBA!!! I love to dance so I really thought this would be great.  Apparently, though, Zumba is the exercise world's way of reminding me just how out-of-shape and UNcoordinated I really am!! Seriously, if it wasn't for the beer and cigarettes waiting for me at home.....I think I might have DIED!

Zumba part II: It's a LOT easier to go to work after a night of drinking than after your first cardio workout in 18 years......and it's NOT acceptable to call off work saying, "every muscle in my body hurts, and I can't move because I haven't done anything but TALK about exercising for the past year".....they tend to frown on that.

Calling the ex four or five times a day. Yes, I'll admit it (but only to you, since I KNOW you can keep a secret), I actually miss the little kiddos! So I keep calling to talk to them.......yeah, unfortunately, THEY do not have their own phone line so that means, YOU guessed it...I WILLINGLY subject myself to THAT drama over and over again!!!

Tomorrow night I am going to play Bingo......nuff said (THAT one doesn't even DESERVE elaboration!)

The following night....Wine Night with the girls (refer back to the FIRST bad decision!)

I think I've hit rock bottom.

I am OBVIOUSLY going to destroy myself if the kiddos don't get back soon!

Someone NEEDS to do an intervention!!!!

Life Lessons

Remember when you were growing up, and you'd complain about how much GD homework you had to do?
(SIDENOTE: The amount of homework WE had does not even COMPARE to the amount they load on today's kiddos!!!)

Anyway, inevitably, some Old Fart would hear you whining and try to feed you some Lame-a$$ story about how the secret to happiness and a successful life is that you...
NEVER STOP LEARNING

Then, after you got smacked upside the head
(because it was perfectly acceptable to DO that back then)
for rolling your eyes at them,
you took advantage of their, yet to be diagnosed, Alzheimer's and made them an unwilling accomplice to your avoidance of doing any actual RESEARCH on your history paper
and just plagiarized everything they told you about the subject?

Ummmm, no?.....OK, scratch that!
What I MEANT to say was....
"You took their advice unconditionally, and read EVERY bit of information you could find so that you could COMPLETELY understand the project before handing it in to your teacher."

(Sidenote to any of my former teachers who are reading this.....
This is a HUMOROUS blog!!!
I, of course, NEVER took the short cuts!
I am the EXCEPTION that proves every rule!!)

Well, I've realized that maybe, just maybe, the "smack you upside the head" Old Farts might have been onto something!
 I guess we really never do stop learning!!

Just this week, I've learned a LOT more than I cared to learn:

1.  When the ONLY McD's in the area closes down for a demo/rebuild for 4 months........you are SCREWED when it comes to bribing the kiddos into doing ANYTHING!!!

2.  NEVER think a kids' movie is the dumbest movie EVER......the sequel you will be forced to watch in a year will be much worse than you can even imagine!!

3.  When you think you've said it all, the words, "You autographed my baby?!?!?" will come out of your mouth.

4.  I don't care WHAT you thought the happiest moment in your life was before.  The HAPPIEST moment in the WORLD is discovering the clothes in the dryer are NOT dry, so you have another 30 min to make up an excuse for not folding them right away.

5.  Poker is MUCH less violent than Bible stories with ignorant kiddos--and SOOO much more profitable!

6. If kids in the Middle East are still "kids at heart", we should just send popcorn and ice cream to the kiddos there. I have NEVER found a battle that EITHER of those won't end INSTANTLY!!

7.  Memory, processors, Wifi capability, software.....none of it means ANYTHING!!!  My new laptop is just  "prettier" with pink construction paper glued to it.

8.  SOME experiments are just better off not done:  I can actually wear the baby's headband......Now I'm paranoid: Is her head abnormally big, or is mine abnormally small?!? hmmmmm

9.  DNA results are NOT 100%:  The kiddos REFUSE to eat ANYTHING that their Dad or I like: If it wasn't for the doctor bills and stretch marks  to prove otherwise.....I'd swear they were adopted!

10. Reading your horoscope at the END of the day makes a LOT more sense! That way you can twist and corrupt it any way you like, and, worse case scenario--you end your day with a laugh!!

Extra Credit:

Even if ALL the experts in the world agree that something is TRUE...

that doesn't mean it is...

after all,

not too long ago...

PLUTO was a planet!!!

Holy Wars!!!!! (Kiddo Style!!!)

OK, so, by now, you all know that I am one of those moms who was OBVIOUSLY cursed by the whole...

"I hope your kids turn out just like YOU!!" saying....

Well, today we hit an All-Time low...

The kiddos and I were having a BLAST!!!!!!

You know that old saying....

"It's like taking candy from a baby"?

Well, let's just say, when you teach your kiddos that LYING is the WORST way to piss Mama off...

Then, teaching them to play Poker is an all out FANTABULOUS way to win back that undeserved allowance money!!!!!

(Kiddos afraid of lying=afraid of bluffing!!!!)

Sooooo....."Gamma" comes home and finds me "corrupting" her grandchildren with poker.....

and she decides to break out the "Biblical Characters Memory Game"

(insert random personal life choice judgment comment here: ____________)

Well, let's just say:

Sometimes MOMMY actually knows best!!!!!

Here's how "Bible Memory" ACTUALLY went:

Princess: OH!!! LOOK!!! I found baby Jesus!!!

Instigator: Yeah, good luck finding him AGAIN!!   

Instigator: LOOK!!! It's God!!!

Princess: That's not GOD!!!!! That's baby Jesus when he got OLD!!!

Instigator: BABY Jesus NEVER got old. (Good point, I guess.)

Princess: Boys are SOOOOOOOOO stupid!

.........................This is where I opened my first beer because I KNEW where it was headed.........................

Me: OK, OK.....let's just go to the next card

And they do.......

As luck would have it....

ADAM AND EVE!!!!

Instigator: You KNOW that God made boys first for a REASON!!!!

Princess:  What reason is that?!?!?

Instigator: Cuz boys are better!!!

Princess:   No WAY!! He made a MISTAKE and made girls to FIX it!

(Flip a card, flip a card....PLEASE someone flip a card!!!!!)

Instigator: OH LOOK!!! It's Jesus with his Mommy and Daddy!!!!

Princess: That's NOT his Daddy!!!! That's GOD!!!!!

Instigator: LOOK, it says "Joseph"!!!
Princess: But, Gamma says GOD is his Dad.....

(Oh, Dear Lord ALMIGHTY....PLEASE do not make me have to explain the "birds and the bees" to a FOUR year old!!!!)

.........................................FLASH FORWARD 10 minutes and several Mama drinks later.......................

Princess: It's JONAH!!! He got ate by a whale!!!

Instigator: You only know that from VeggieTales.....and that just means he got POOPED out later!!!

Princess: NUH-UH!!!!

Instigator: You can't even READ!!!! You are sooo stupid!!! If you get EATEN, you get pooped out!!! It's called SCIENCE....DUUUHHHH!

..................................looking for liquor now....DAMN! Forgot there's none here!!........................................

Oh, Dear Lord.....David and Goliath.......THIS should be interesting!!!!

Princess: YEP!!! That's right!!!! Story about how the "little one" beats the crap out of the BULLY!!!!  ......      BRING IT!!!!

Instigator: You do NOT have as good of aim as HE did!!! You're a GIRL!!!

Six thrown Leggo's and a goose egg on the head later........

ALL OUT WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.................This is where I grab a beer,  kick my legs up on the table and just WAIT for the fallout!!!...........

Flash Forward.....We've moved on to Mommy finding funny religious pics online.

 (Stop judging I couldn't take it anymore! They needed comic relief!) 

The dino/Ark pic from above shows up...

Princess: This is soooooo STUPID!!!! Everyone KNOWS that the Dinosaurs were killed by ALIENS way before they talked to HUMANS!!!

...................................................THIS is where it gets ugly...................................................................

Instigator throws the stack of cards, hitting the Princess in the face....

Princess, in turn, pushes him, and he falls into a deck chair....

Instigator throws aforementioned deck chair at her...

Princess retaliates by kicking him in the....."well, you KNOW where place"

ALL of this in the amount of time it takes me to jump out of MY chair and intervene!!!

Bottom line?

There's something to be learned from EVERY situation.....

There's a REASON they say it's wrong to talk politics or religion!!!!

  

"Feelin' HOT HOT HOT!!!"

I REALLY thought this summer would be easy since I just escaped the "Hell on Earth" NC summers....

WTF?!?!?

I do NOT remember it being THIS stinking hot when I grew up here!!!

I signed up for COOLER summers and UNBEARABLE winters!!

I got the latter  FULL FORCE, but this summer is just CRAZY!!

LUCKILY, I am one of those "glass is half full....so I'll finish it off and grab another" kind of people.

So, I look at this "so fricking hot you wish you were DEAD" spell and MAKE myself figure out ways that this heatwave will benefit ME!!!

(YES, I'm self-absorbed, but I ADMIT it so that makes it acceptable, right?)

Reasons this flipping Hot as Hell Weather makes MY life easier:

1.  COOKING: Come on, now?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?!? Microwave, grill, and sandwiches are soooo much easier than actually cooking WHATEVER meal I make that they'll  REFUSE to eat, anyway!!!!  The "Why do I even bother" factor has gone down DRASTICALLY!!!

2.  No worries about the kiddos running away.....the trail of SWEAT they would leave behind them makes them easier to find!

3.  Bath/Shower time drama...OBSOLETE!!!! The way I see it, if they're gonna HAVE to be in the pool within the next 2 hours.....WHY BOTHER~~ (I heard, somewhere, that chlorine kills germs, anyway!!!)

4.  The excessive humidity?......yeah...that just hydrates the kiddos every time they breathe in, so I don't have to actually get up and get them a drink every other minute!!!

5.  I can just sit inside the house (where my folks REFUSE to turn on the AC) and sweat off extra weight as I save the time involved with actually going to a sauna!!!

6.  NO need to do laundry anymore!!! WTF would I pick out clothes for the kiddos to wear KNOWING they will be half naked within the hour?!?!?!

TRUST me.....

I am NOT a fan of this excessive heat.....

but if it continues to UNcomplicate my life...

I might just send a "Thank You" note to Al Gore

Choose Your Words Wisely

In light of the recent Casey Anthony trial, it has been brought to my attention that I tend to use the words, "duct tape" and "kiddos" WAAAAY too often in the same sentence!!

(side note to local law enforcement: I AM KIDDING!!!!!)

But, as so many random comments do, it's gotten me to thinking. 

THIS time, I'm thinking about a much more "humane" approach to stopping the whole....

"I HATE YOU!" , "The Instigator just SPIT on me!!", "The Bean just wiped poop on my shirt!!!" debacle.

I've been racking my brain for days.

Today, however, the answer came from the MOST UNEXPECTED place....

THE KIDDOS!!!

The ONLY thing they could agree on and NOT fight about today was the idea that they could

 "OUTVOTE ME" and get a new pet!!!

So, while they were incessantly BEGGING to get a pet hamster today,

(NOT gonna happen!! I hate ALL rodents equally!!!!)

a thought occurred to me......

(yes, I KNOW....those random thoughts NEVER end well!!)

GIANT HAMSTER BALLS!!!!!

It's absolutely BRILLIANT!!!

Every morning, we wake up, and I stuff each of the kids into a human sized hamster ball...

that way, they can't touch each other!!

As I thought about it, a few more bonuses came to mind...

1. No more random, "I tripped and fell under the car and burned myself on the exhaust" moments.

2. "Pool Time"....sooooo much cooler, just admit it

3.  I wouldn't need to buy one of those "rolling popper" thingies for the baby if I just stuffed a few colored balls in there with them.

4. The whole "tattle-tale" thing goes away when you can't hear them because they are enclosed in a plastic bubble!!1

5. When they make me mad....how FUN would it be to just kick the bubble and watch them run as fast as their little legs can carry them just to keep up?!?!?!?

So, I've decided to adjust my nonexistent portfolio to include "Giant Hamster Balls"...

Then again...

maybe I should just stick to "duct tape", because the "GIANT HAMSTER BALLS" Google search I had to do to find a pic for this post is probably a MUCH more embarrassing investigation!!!

The Carnival

I'm not afraid to admit that, while my hometown carnival brings back MANY fond memories.....

It's always secretly SCARED me. 

This town is full of enough permanent freaks and weirdos....

we can't handle the influx of anymore that are "just passing through"!!

Despite that fact, I decided to put on my "good Mommy" hat and venture out with all 4 kiddos to visit the annual freak show....ummm, I mean "carnival".

Needless to say, I will NOT be wearing THAT hat anytime soon!!!!

Here's a basic run-down of how THAT nightmare went:

3PM:      "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY!!!  You're HOME!!! You said you'd take us to that "fun place" tonight.....Let's GO!!!!" (NOT looking like a promising evening, since the carnival doesn't open until 6!!)

4PM:     "MOOOOMMMMMMYYYYY!!" Why aren't we going, yet?!?!? JOEY'S Mom took him YESTERDAY!!!!"  (Yeah, well.....I guess JOEY'S Mom loves him more!!!)

5PM:     "Quit making dinner!!!! We can eat funnel cakes, cotton candy, and french fries THERE!!!! We'll eat MUCH more of THAT stuff, anyway!!!" (Note to self: Try to actually EXPLAIN healthy eating to the kiddos one of these days...)

6PM:     "Time to go! Time to go!!! MMMOOOMMYYY!!! It's OPEN!!!" (OK......no more excuses...time to suck it up!!)

6:05:      "What do you MEAN we are walking?!?!?! We have a perfectly good VAN, don't you know?" (Yep, I know that, but we only live 2 blocks away, and Mommy is still hoping desperately that they still have a beer tent there!!!.......UNFORTUNATELY....they didn't!!!!)

6:06:      Oh, GREAT.....we just ran into Joey on the way there... NOW I have to fake interest in a meaningless conversation with Joey's mother (whom I have NEVER met!!!)

6:10:      We arrive....$45 later, the three oldest all have their "ride as much as you want" wristbands, and we are informed by the "man in the booth" to have a great time.

6:15:     "MOMMY!!! I want to ride the bumper cars!!!" (we stand in line for 15 minutes, only to discover that they are all too short to ride--and the carny actually PUSHED my kids aside instead of telling us that!!!)..."MOMMY!!! I only came here to ride the bumper cars!!! JOEY rode the bumper cars!!!"....(sorry.....guess JOEY is not as damn SHORT as you!!!)

6:17:     WOW!!! The kiddos aren't tall enough to ride ANY of the rides they want to ride!!!! EXCEPT the bounce house.....which, of course, just guaranteed that I CAN'T get a refund on the bracelets!!!

6:18:     The Bean is pitching a complete TANTRUM because I didn't buy HER 21 month old butt a bracelet so she can't go in the bounce house with them!!!

6:30:    "I have to PEEEEEE!!!!!" (We run around for 15 minutes TRYING to find a port-a-potty.....NONE in sight) "I have to pee NOW!!!! RIGHT now!!!!".......(uuuggh.....we run home)(sidenote: I later discovered that there WAS a bathroom hidden in the back!!)

6:50:     All is good.....we are back 

7:00:     Oh, wait!!! A light at the end of the tunnel!!!! There actually ARE a few rides for the kiddos!!!

8:00:     "Who wants a funnel cake?!?!?"  (yeah, turns out--AFTER I bought THREE--that none of the kiddos will actually EAT funnel cake NOW even though they LOVED it 6 months ago!!!!.......Dear A$$: Sorry for the 3 funnel cakes I ate, but I REFUSE to waste good money!!!)

8:15:     Back to the rides, (and YES....I ate THREE funnel cakes in 15 minutes!!! Stop judging me!)......time for the giant slide......10 rides later....and 10 fights over who made it down fastest.....the carny working the slide actually asked us to LEAVE!!!!

9:00     Dear God: PLEASE let the kiddos leave peacefully!!!!

9:10:    We are home. "Mommy!!! That was SOOOOOO much fun!!! Can we go back tomorrow?!?!!?" (ummmm.....ONLY if someone ELSE takes you!!!)

Flash forward to tonight....

6:05     I can smell the scent of funnel cakes wafting up in the air from my back deck........well played carnies.....well played....

Just to be curious, of course.......

Do children still go "mysteriously" missing when the carnival leaves town?

And how much does that cost?!?!?!? 

OK....I'm WORRIED Now!!!!!

OK.....at this point, I will ASSUME you all know that my kiddos are just a blip in the evolutionary chain.....

but SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

Since we've moved to PA, the stuff that comes out of their mouths!!!

I never know from one minute to the next whether to cry out of utter embarrassment or LAUGH at their creativity!!!!

THIS week's Top 10 WTF statements:

10. PRINCESS: Are you having another baby?

      ME: ummmmm.......NO, why?

      PRINCESS: Because I want another baby NOW!!! I'm going to name her "Rosa"!!!!

I want you to have another baby right NOW so I can name her Rosa!  If YOU won't have another baby....then I WILL!!!! (ummm.....good luck with that one, you're FOUR!!!!)

9.  INSTIGATOR: Mommy...did you know that airplanes are actually birds?
     ME: No, I don't think they are, sweetie
     INSTIGATOR: Well, then, you're stupid.......they are really just white birds who don't flap their wings!!!

8. REF: I like fireflies!!!
    ME: Why's that?
    REF: Their butts light up right before they fart!!......They must fart a LOT!!!!!

7. BEAN: GUMPA!!! (grandpa) Pool please!!!
    ME: ummmm....NO!!! You can't go in the pool without your vest.
    BEAN: hmmmmpppf! Gumpa let me!!!! (conversation with "Gumpa" soon to follow!!!!)

6. PRINCESS: I don't NEED your permission!!!
    ME: ummm....YES, you DO!!! And how do you even KNOW the word "permission"?!??!
    PRINCESS: Because Gramma said that I have permission to wake you up if I think you're sleeping too        late!!!! (yeeeaaahhhh....Gramma's getting a lil talking to!!!!!)

5. REF:  We caught a butterfly today!!!
    ME: Really?!?!?! What kind?
    REF: The kind that DIES when you tear one of his wings off!!! (Damn you, National Geographic Channel!!!)

4. INSTIGATOR: MOMMY!!! Did you know that when it rains, lots of worms come out?
    ME: Yes, I did......did you see some?
    INSTIGATOR: YEP!!!! Did you ALSO know that when I bite them in half they still move?!?!?!? ( not enough toothpaste in the WORLD for that!!!!)

3. REF: We made a bird friend today!!!!!
    ME: Huh? What's that mean?
    REF: We found a bird....he didn't run away! He let us pet him and talk to him....right before he DIED!!! Isn't the COOL?!?!?!?

2. ME: Are you poopy?
    BEAN: (laughing) NO!!
    ME: Are you sure?
    BEAN: Uh-huh......."Gumpa is!!" (ummm....little weird, but I ACTUALLY had to wonder if she was telling the truth!!!!! LOL_

1. PRINCESS: This swimsuit makes my "booties" (boobies) show..
    ME: You don't HAVE boobies, and PULL IT UP!!!!
   PRINCESS: I can't do that!!!! That's the way they DESIGNED  it!!!

(OH, Dear Lord, just give me a license, range membership, and a shotgun right NOW!!!!)

That's what I get for raising a little "mini me", I guess!!!!

Business Proposal

So by now, I'm sure that many of you have figured out that I have a "unique" way of looking at this whole parenting thing.

(I prefer to think of it as a "Child Abuse Prevention Strategy", but let's not argue over semantics.)

Today, I once again found myself wandering around that "Hell on Earth" better known as Walmart--

(Dear Lord, woman with 6 screaming brats under the age of 7!!! You'll thank me later for the box of condoms I put in your cart!!)

I couldn't help but notice, that the aisles were full of stuff for so-called "normal" children....

pacifiers, teething rings, lullaby cd's, etc. etc.

WHERE is all the really USEFUL stuff for MY kiddos?!?!!?

I refuse to believe that I am the ONLY one out there with kiddos that require "specialized equipment"!!

So, I have come up with a brilliant new idea for a "Surviving Parenthood" store.....

Picture a "Toys R Us" meets "Home Depot"...

I'll call it...

The Reality Check

Here's how I envision the store:

First, and foremost, there WILL be a child "playspace", complete with barbed wire and heavily armed guards so parents can actually shop in PEACE!!!

There will be NO "Express Lanes".....

Instead...

they will be labelled:

1. Still Blissfully Ignorant

2. Hurried, But Still Polite

3. My Next Stop Is The Insane Asylum

4. Get Me the F@#! out of here before I SHOOT someone!!!!

And it needs HELPFUL signs above the aisles:

Aisle 1: Noise Management

Pacifiers, ear plugs, loud speakers, and duct tape

Aisle 2: Sleep and Teething Aids

TV's, nightlights, Benadryl, whiskey, ear plugs, and duct tape

Aisle 3: Safety

Child-proof locks, water thermometers, straight jackets, condoms, and duct tape

Aisle 4: Playtime

Playmats, blocks, empty boxes (imagine the markup on THOSE!), kitchen utensils, and duct tape

Aisle 5: Potty Training

Pull-ups, potty seats, bulk cases of disinfectant, carpet cleaners, air freshener by the case, and duct tape

Aisle 6: Kitchen Supplies

Baby formula, ketchup, a McDonald's restaurant, "truly" spill-proof cups, and duct tape

Aisle 7: Family Health

Infant ibuprofen, bulk Benadryl, bandaids, beer, wine, and duct tape

Aisle 8: Education

ONE children's book (doesn't matter which one, they'll insist on reading the same one over and over anyway), a selection of magazines--Parents, Guns 'N Ammo, Wild Animal Baby, Prevention, MAD, etc., and duct tape

Aisle 9: Lighting

OVERHEAD lights, night lights, and flashlights (there will be NO lamps, ESPECIALLY touch lamps!) and duct tape

Aisle 10: Cleaning Supplies (This Aisle has 3 sections)

1st child: Disinfectant EVERYTHING, bleach, "baby safe" detergents and soaps, bottle brushes,

Diaper Genies

2nd child: Sanitary wipes, Swiffer Wet mops, dishwasher soap, plastic baggies

3+ kids: gardens hoses, used grocery bags, throw away pools, blow torches, and duct tape

It's such a simple concept, really.....

(such an untapped market!!)

and, yes, there is duct tape in almost every aisle....

but, as a mother of 4, I have complete faith in the old saying....

If duct tape can't fix it....

throw it out and get a new one!!!

(Makes the Potty Training aisle VERY interesting, don't you think?!?!)

And, yes, I think that saying should apply to children, too!!!!

Generation "Y in the HELL?!?!?!?"

As most of you have figured out....

I laugh at my life so I don't load up on duct tape and rope and do something I "might" regret.

("REGRET" is one of those words that's just soooo vague!!! LOL)

Well, at this point in my life, I've decided that my crazy, comical, stressed out world would SOAR in the Nielsen ratings!!! (Do they even HAVE those anymore?!?!)

I'll admit, I have an AWESOME job!!

FANTASTIC hours, NO stress, great people, and it's FUN!!!!

But, like all working moms, the kiddos have to pay the price from time to time....

and by "pay the price" I mean....

having to hang out ALL day with the very same people who raised ME!!!

Don't get me wrong...

my parents have been AMAZING!!!

They have allowed me to work, have a social life, and move a family of 5 INSANE people into their once quiet home......BUT

(and there's always a butt when it involves MY kiddos running around with their pants falling down)

there IS a slight Generational Gap that is VERY apparent!!!

For instance...

MUSIC:

I find it absolutely HYSTERICAL when the Princess starts singing "inappropriate" songs in the car! (I'm sorry, but a 4 yr old singing "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?", just makes me laugh out loud EVERY time!!!!

MOVIES:

When the Ref tells me that he is "bored" with a horror flick because there "isn't enough blood", I mean, COME ON....I just want to hold him close and say, "That's my boy!".....brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it!

TV:

We all know that times have changed on TV regulations....and my folks STILL think that "Roseanne" was an "inappropriate family show"......so I take a little heat when I come home and am told that the kiddos got mad because "Ghost Adventures" (an episode where Zack tried to get a succubus to lay in bed with him) got turned off!!!.....COME ON!!! That's just good, quality family bonding time right there!!!!

CARTOONS:

OK, OK...I'll admit that MOST cartoons suck nowadays.....but, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?  Whenever I see the kiddos running around pretending to kill each other with laser beams and alien weapons rather than guns....I secretly feel a little bit proud....after all, Guns don't kill people, toxic alien slime and four-armed alien freaks kill people!!!

TOYS:

Maybe it's just me, (because apparently it's not my folks), but I think that running through the toy aisles with swords and helmets is FUN!!!! With all of the sound effects and light effects on toys now, I would MUCH rather look like a crazy person in the STORE than actually bring that crap HOME where it can annoy me on a daily basis!!!

Soooo...

I wouldn't trade my life for the world....

I might be a little "unconventional", but I like it that way.....

Afterall....

If the kiddos weren't as "abnormal" as I am....

I'd have to write this all from a padded room somewhere...

And it's hard to type with a straight jacket on!!!!

Daily Control

OK, folks....

I'm pretty sure that this picture sums up my ENTIRE motherhood career!!!!!

The thing I can't seem to figure out, though, is WHY the kiddos haven't caught on to this concept, yet!!!!

I must have said it about a million times by now!!!!

I control what kind of day they will have!!!

1. If I have to wake up to the seemingly unrelenteless alarm, then  YOU will wake up to a screaming Banshee telling you to get the F out of bed and get ready!!!

2. Oh, I'm sorry....if you INSIST on having the last bagel in the house for breakfast (even though I am the ONLY one who actually EATS bagels), I WILL burn it on purpose, just to SPITE you!!!!

3. I have to listen to you scream in Walmart because you didn't save up enough $$ yet to buy that annoying flipping toy that I don't want in the house anyway?.....Just wait until I tell you I don't have enough $$ for gas to drive your whiny little but to recreation, and I make you WALK everyday!!

4. The next time I have to take an icy shower because you just HAD to get in first and stay in there until ALL the hot water was gone, I WILL leave the sink running with hot water during YOUR shower the next day!!

5. If I lose anymore sleep because you simply can NOT sleep anywhere other than on top of my HEAD, and pull my hair ALL night long....you MIGHT want to think about those pigtails you love so much.....they are only ONE random haircut away!!!

Sooooo.....there you have it...

No matter what it is...

MY bad day MAKES your bad day, ANY day I so choose!!!

Any and ALL complaints you might have about that fact can be directed to someone who has actually SLEPT in the last seven years!!!





The Beginning of the End

WHEEEWW!!!

I, for one, am THRILLED that Harold Camping was wrong about the start of the apocalypse again!!!

Since the move, I have been WAY too busy to keep up with silly things like the END OF THE WORLD!

But, seriously?

ANOTHER "Miscalculation"?!?!?!

If you PROMISE me a Zombie Apocalypse, then I WANT a Zombie Apocalypse!!!

Just think how prepared I already AM.....

IF the End Times were really here!!!!

I, for ONE, am looking FORWARD to both the signs of the apocalypse AND the Zombie attacks afterward because, well, I've done my homework.....

and I am convinced that I can handle it!!!

1. The "Mark of the Beast":

     Been there, done that!!!! Pretty sure the Sharpie marker on the walls and the Bean's face are NOT coming off anytime before we exit this planet!!!!

2.   Locust and frog infestations:

      Seriously?!?!?.......Between the Ref and the Instigator, there have more pests in my house than any silly apocalyspse can FATHOM!!!!

3.  Blood curdling screams:

     The next time I have to hear someone screaming for their life......it had BETTER involve massive gore and actual death rather than a refusal to let the Instigator have ice cream for breakfast!

4.  Staying up all night:

     I already have to do that.............if I'm running from Zombies, then I, at the very least, won't be so flipping BORED at 3 AM!!!

5.   Razor sharp claws:

      None of you have ever seen the Princess break a nail 10 minutes after a manicure..........Pinning her down while having THAT tantrum......well, let's just say that I can DEFINITELY fend off claws to the eyes at any given moment!!   

6.    Famine:

      If you've EVER tried to get MY kiddos to finish a meal.........then you already EXCITED to see less food on the table!!!

7.  The stench of Death all around me:

      OK......I haven't had ONE single day in almost 8 years without a diaper change.........I WELCOME the stench of Death!!!!!

8.   Waters turning to blood:

      Ummmmm, yeah..................that's called a normal opening day of pool season around here!!!

9.   The moon will be darkened:

       OMG!!!! PLEASE!!!!! Then maybe the kiddos will fall sleep more than 3 hours before they have to wake up for school!!!!

10.  Earthquakes:

     ANY earthquake that brings the ceiling and walls down on me has GOT to be better than a 1am knee to the NOSE!!!!

So, yeah...

IF Harold EVER gets his calculations right, then I say....

BRING IT!!!! I AM READY!!!!

The Princess of Sarcasm

Maybe it's genetics, or maybe it's a learned personality trait,

but the kiddos have COMPLETELY inherited my twisted sense of humor!!!

(she says with a tear in her eye..."I couldn't be more proud!")

I really didn't plan on writing anything tonight....

turns out I don't HAVE to....

The Princess has been on FIRE today and written everything FOR me!!

 

ME: Stop jumping on the bed....it's quiet time!

PRINCESS: I'm NOT jumping on the bed...it's the "jiggles"....I'm just trying to get them out so YOU don't have to!!!

(Pretty sure a swat to the backside will get them out quick enough!!!)

ME: STOP picking your nose!!! What are you gonna do if you actually FIND something in there?!?!

PRINCESS: Ummmm.....give it YOU, DUUUHHHH!!!

(Mother's Day was LAST week, girl!!! The flowers were a MUCH better gift!!)

ME: WHY are you singing a Justin Bieber song?!?! Do you think he's CUTE or something?

PRINCESS: I HATE him!! He's TOO stupid, and he keeps trying to kiss me!!!

(Dear God, PLEASE let her feel the same way in a few years!!!!)

ME: Why are you crying?

PRINCESS: I'm not CRYING!!! Sometimes my drink water just comes out of my eyes!!! Leave me alone!!!

(I can't even argue with that, but I'll be sure to use it during my next PMS crying fit!!)

ME: Why are you sucking your thumb...you NEVER suck your thumb.

PRINCESS: I'm NOT sucking my thumb....I'm just tasting it to see if I need to wash my hands!

(Just go wash your hands already before I puke!!!

 And remind me not to kiss you until you've brushed your teeth!!!)



I REALLY don't know where she gets this attitude...

I KNOW it CAN'T be ME....so I'll blame DADDY!!!!!

SENSEability

Let's just keep keep this short and sweet tonight!!!

We are all blessed with 5 basic senses, and, of course, that mysterious "sixth sense"...

Well, every flipping one of them has been irritated tonight (all AFTER bedtime!!!)

Touch:

         If you kick me in the ribs ONE more time, then I will be forced to banish you to the couch!!!

Smell:

        Why the FLIP do I have to smell THAT?!?!? Get your sorry A$$ to the bathroom before I hang your skid marked undies from a flagpole!!!

Hearing:

      If I am hearing you....you are ANNOYING me!!!

Taste:

      Once that vile taste gets in my mouth....you'd better RUN!! And you'd better run FAST because I've had enough!!!!

Sight:

       The next time you come upstairs, I am going to coat those fricking steps with Vaseline just to make SURE you can't come up here again!!!

Sixth Sense:

       I KNOW what you are going to do next!!! So don't even THINK about it!!! I am smarter and quicker than you EVER thought possible!!!!! And....if you DO try it.....

                                                                        I have duct tape and super glue!!!

Summer Camp

It's finally starting to feel like Summer!

Just a few short weeks left before the boys are out of school for 3 months......

OH CRAP!!!

That means all FOUR will be around 24/7!!

I need to find somewhere to ship them off to....and FAST!!!

Camp Crystal Lake here they come!!!!

Just think of all the fun they'll have....

Hikes in the woods, boat rides on the lake, arts and crafts, and, oh yeah.....

a HALF DEAD SERIAL KILLER lurking around!

Personally, I think that having Jason around would spice up the camp adventure for any young child:



1. They'll learn to become EXPERTS at Hide-and-Seek

2.  Once all of the counselors are dead, there's no one around to enforce bedtime

3. Instead of making lanyards and birdhouses, they can learn to make nooses and booby traps

4. Dead bodies in the woods will keep the wild animals away from all of the GOOD food

5. Let's face it, there's no better way to learn first aid and CPR than to just jump right in and DO it

6. Running for your life and jumping over bodies is just good exercise

7. Carrying a torch around keeps the bugs away

8. They'll get to know the Sheriff really well--even if it IS only for a brief time

9. The fastest way to learn to swim is with a half dead lunatic rising up from the bottom of the lake trying to grab you

10. It beats the HE!! out of those LAME ghost stories around the campfire!!

All in all, I think it would be a good experience for them.

And, NO, I am not at ALL worried about my kiddos safety....

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

It would be the very FIRST time you've ever seen Jason Voorhees actually RUN....

and he would be running away SCREAMING!!!

Happy Friday the 13th!!!