The Beginning of the End

WHEEEWW!!!

I, for one, am THRILLED that Harold Camping was wrong about the start of the apocalypse again!!!

Since the move, I have been WAY too busy to keep up with silly things like the END OF THE WORLD!

But, seriously?

ANOTHER "Miscalculation"?!?!?!

If you PROMISE me a Zombie Apocalypse, then I WANT a Zombie Apocalypse!!!

Just think how prepared I already AM.....

IF the End Times were really here!!!!

I, for ONE, am looking FORWARD to both the signs of the apocalypse AND the Zombie attacks afterward because, well, I've done my homework.....

and I am convinced that I can handle it!!!

1. The "Mark of the Beast":

     Been there, done that!!!! Pretty sure the Sharpie marker on the walls and the Bean's face are NOT coming off anytime before we exit this planet!!!!

2.   Locust and frog infestations:

      Seriously?!?!?.......Between the Ref and the Instigator, there have more pests in my house than any silly apocalyspse can FATHOM!!!!

3.  Blood curdling screams:

     The next time I have to hear someone screaming for their life......it had BETTER involve massive gore and actual death rather than a refusal to let the Instigator have ice cream for breakfast!

4.  Staying up all night:

     I already have to do that.............if I'm running from Zombies, then I, at the very least, won't be so flipping BORED at 3 AM!!!

5.   Razor sharp claws:

      None of you have ever seen the Princess break a nail 10 minutes after a manicure..........Pinning her down while having THAT tantrum......well, let's just say that I can DEFINITELY fend off claws to the eyes at any given moment!!   

6.    Famine:

      If you've EVER tried to get MY kiddos to finish a meal.........then you already EXCITED to see less food on the table!!!

7.  The stench of Death all around me:

      OK......I haven't had ONE single day in almost 8 years without a diaper change.........I WELCOME the stench of Death!!!!!

8.   Waters turning to blood:

      Ummmmm, yeah..................that's called a normal opening day of pool season around here!!!

9.   The moon will be darkened:

       OMG!!!! PLEASE!!!!! Then maybe the kiddos will fall sleep more than 3 hours before they have to wake up for school!!!!

10.  Earthquakes:

     ANY earthquake that brings the ceiling and walls down on me has GOT to be better than a 1am knee to the NOSE!!!!

So, yeah...

IF Harold EVER gets his calculations right, then I say....

BRING IT!!!! I AM READY!!!!

The Princess of Sarcasm

Maybe it's genetics, or maybe it's a learned personality trait,

but the kiddos have COMPLETELY inherited my twisted sense of humor!!!

(she says with a tear in her eye..."I couldn't be more proud!")

I really didn't plan on writing anything tonight....

turns out I don't HAVE to....

The Princess has been on FIRE today and written everything FOR me!!

 

ME: Stop jumping on the bed....it's quiet time!

PRINCESS: I'm NOT jumping on the bed...it's the "jiggles"....I'm just trying to get them out so YOU don't have to!!!

(Pretty sure a swat to the backside will get them out quick enough!!!)

ME: STOP picking your nose!!! What are you gonna do if you actually FIND something in there?!?!

PRINCESS: Ummmm.....give it YOU, DUUUHHHH!!!

(Mother's Day was LAST week, girl!!! The flowers were a MUCH better gift!!)

ME: WHY are you singing a Justin Bieber song?!?! Do you think he's CUTE or something?

PRINCESS: I HATE him!! He's TOO stupid, and he keeps trying to kiss me!!!

(Dear God, PLEASE let her feel the same way in a few years!!!!)

ME: Why are you crying?

PRINCESS: I'm not CRYING!!! Sometimes my drink water just comes out of my eyes!!! Leave me alone!!!

(I can't even argue with that, but I'll be sure to use it during my next PMS crying fit!!)

ME: Why are you sucking your thumb...you NEVER suck your thumb.

PRINCESS: I'm NOT sucking my thumb....I'm just tasting it to see if I need to wash my hands!

(Just go wash your hands already before I puke!!!

 And remind me not to kiss you until you've brushed your teeth!!!)



I REALLY don't know where she gets this attitude...

I KNOW it CAN'T be ME....so I'll blame DADDY!!!!!

SENSEability

Let's just keep keep this short and sweet tonight!!!

We are all blessed with 5 basic senses, and, of course, that mysterious "sixth sense"...

Well, every flipping one of them has been irritated tonight (all AFTER bedtime!!!)

Touch:

         If you kick me in the ribs ONE more time, then I will be forced to banish you to the couch!!!

Smell:

        Why the FLIP do I have to smell THAT?!?!? Get your sorry A$$ to the bathroom before I hang your skid marked undies from a flagpole!!!

Hearing:

      If I am hearing you....you are ANNOYING me!!!

Taste:

      Once that vile taste gets in my mouth....you'd better RUN!! And you'd better run FAST because I've had enough!!!!

Sight:

       The next time you come upstairs, I am going to coat those fricking steps with Vaseline just to make SURE you can't come up here again!!!

Sixth Sense:

       I KNOW what you are going to do next!!! So don't even THINK about it!!! I am smarter and quicker than you EVER thought possible!!!!! And....if you DO try it.....

                                                                        I have duct tape and super glue!!!

Summer Camp

It's finally starting to feel like Summer!

Just a few short weeks left before the boys are out of school for 3 months......

OH CRAP!!!

That means all FOUR will be around 24/7!!

I need to find somewhere to ship them off to....and FAST!!!

Camp Crystal Lake here they come!!!!

Just think of all the fun they'll have....

Hikes in the woods, boat rides on the lake, arts and crafts, and, oh yeah.....

a HALF DEAD SERIAL KILLER lurking around!

Personally, I think that having Jason around would spice up the camp adventure for any young child:



1. They'll learn to become EXPERTS at Hide-and-Seek

2.  Once all of the counselors are dead, there's no one around to enforce bedtime

3. Instead of making lanyards and birdhouses, they can learn to make nooses and booby traps

4. Dead bodies in the woods will keep the wild animals away from all of the GOOD food

5. Let's face it, there's no better way to learn first aid and CPR than to just jump right in and DO it

6. Running for your life and jumping over bodies is just good exercise

7. Carrying a torch around keeps the bugs away

8. They'll get to know the Sheriff really well--even if it IS only for a brief time

9. The fastest way to learn to swim is with a half dead lunatic rising up from the bottom of the lake trying to grab you

10. It beats the HE!! out of those LAME ghost stories around the campfire!!

All in all, I think it would be a good experience for them.

And, NO, I am not at ALL worried about my kiddos safety....

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

It would be the very FIRST time you've ever seen Jason Voorhees actually RUN....

and he would be running away SCREAMING!!!

Happy Friday the 13th!!!



Nights of the Living Dead

After a few too many sleepless nights in a row,

I have come to the conclusion that the kiddos might actually be cleverly disguised ZOMBIES!!

When you REALLY stop to think about it,

raising kids IS a lot like surviving a zombie attack!!!

Of COURSE...

they're CUTE and all, and will eventually evolve into a somewhat more advanced being,

but in the MEAN time......

the similarities should be OBVIOUS!!!

1. They keep you up running around all night long looking for weapons to defend yourself.

2. You wake up each morning LOOKING like a Zombie yourself with bags under your bloodshot eyes and crazy hair, and you can't, for the life of you, remember what the HE!! actually happened!

3. From the time the sun goes down, they are gnawing at your brain until you are CERTAIN your mind will be gone in the morning!

4. That green slime all over them? It's either a diaper blowout after eating Fruit Loops OR yet ANOTHER sinus infection!

5. "BWAINS!!!!"....sorry, folks....haven't met a kiddo YET under the age of 5 that can pronounce their "R's" correctly!

6. Muddy, stained, torn up clothes....come on, now....that's just too obvious to even comment on!

7. Bloody knuckles and torn fingernails?....Apparently you've never seen my kiddos fight over the last red popsicle!

8. A broken down and splintered bathroom door?!?! That is my number ONE attempt at a hiding place,(I know....maybe I should learn a few things from horror flicks!), and ONE of these days....my 2 minutes of solitude WILL result in that scene!!

9. Calling for help is out of the question....MY Zombies don't need to cut the phone lines, though. They ust throw my cell across the room until it smashes OR flush it down the toilet!!! (Zombies are evolving into a MUCH more developed species!!!!)

10. Toxic waste causes Zombies, right?........Well....check the Diaper Genie!!! Enough said!!!! They CREATE it instead of just being EXPOSED to it!!!!

Well, maybe I AM a bit paranoid....

but I want to be PREPARED!!!

But if worse comes to worse, and we discovver that I am RIGHT...

Kiddos ARE, in fact, Zombies...

Know this...

When the attack happens, and you and I are about to run for our lives....

I WILL TRIP YOU!!!!!

WARN Me Next Time!!!

 

So, almost EVERYTHING under the sun comes with a freaking Warning Label now.

Unfortunately, THOSE Warning Labels are WORTHLESS!!!

They NEED to warn us about the NOT so obvious stuff, NOT the crap we ALL already realize!

Cigarettes:

ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Everyone already knows that smoking is bad for your health!

What they NEED to say, is that, "Smoking might be bad for MY health, but my grabbing a smoke might be flipping GREAT for the kiddos' health in the heat of the moment!!"

Alcohol:

It SAYS: "Consuming alcohol while pregnant may result in birth defects"....It SHOULD say..."Consuming alcohol may result in PREGNANCY!!!"

Children's Cold Medicine:

It warns that you should "avoid driving or operating heavy machinery....WTF?!?! Someone PLEASE tell me how many 6 year olds have been arrested for DUI's while all hyped up on DimeTapp!!!

EVERY aerosol can ever made:

SERIOUSLY?!?!?! It MIGHT be flammable?!?!? How about you tell me just how MANY bugs I can expect to kill when I use it as a torch!!!

RAID:

Not for human consumption....ummm, yeah....I was planning on having that for DESSERT!!!

EVERYTHING is labeled!!!

Everything, that is, EXCEPT the stuff that really NEEDS one!!!

Why not give me something USEFUL?!?!?

I have a few suggestions! (go figure)

High Heels:

"Not intended for use on playground equipment"

Dollar Bills:

"Warning: You may contract an STD if this bill was once in a stripper's butt crack"

Coins:

"Caution: May or may not have been found in a young child's bowel movement"

Yo-Yo's:

"Warning: Not recommended for children OVER 1 year of age.....at that point...it becomes a WEAPON!"

Public Restrooms:

"Caution: Locking restroom door is an invitation for young children to climb under EVERY stall and make sure you didn't fall in!"

ALL Food:

"Calorie count has been adjusted to reflect the amount you will actually CONSUME before the kiddos decide to neglect their meal and eat YOURS!!!"

There are SOOOO many more warnings that no one thinks about...

I'm sure I will think of more while I go lay on the railroad tracks and look at the clouds while I have my earphones in....

no warning against it...

Proof Positive:

 

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah....

I know kids are all cute and cuddly, the light of the world, the reason for waking up in the morning and all of that other Hallmark greeting card "feel good" nonsense.

And, YES, despite what I may say, I go to bed every night smiling because I have them in my life

(mainly because that means I won't need to come up with a good alibi in the morning!)

But, come on, if you've NEVER looked at your sweet little angel and, at least, ONCE been convinced that he/she was either the spawn of Satan or an evil genius, then you should have been either a nun or a priest,

in which case.....you wouldn't HAVE kids...so you are a LIAR!!!

I tend to live my life in the open and speak my mind (enough with the "REALLY?!?!?!" already!!)

It's not the I don't ADORE my kiddos (really, I do!)....

but let's face it, in a few years, they are going to be making fun of me ALL the time, so.....

I prefer to think of it as "paying it forward".

Alright, enough of me justifying what I'm about to say.....

KIDS ARE EVIL!!!

I have PROOF!!!!

1. Let's start with an obvious fact:

           Kids require time and money

                                     Kids = Time X Money

2. Another fact:

           Time is money

                                    

                                    Time = Money 

3. Therefore:

                                     Kids = Money X Money = (Money)squared

4. Money is the root of all evil:

                                     Money = the square root of Evil

5. Therefore:

                                     Kids = (square root of Evil)squared

6. Conclusion......

                                      Kids = Evil

I'm sorry, folks, really I am....

                 

but numbers don't lie...

Don't blame me...

Blame basic Math!!!!

You'll Thank Me Later.....

.


AHHHHH...
Spring is finally starting to arrive.

That means weddings, kids running around joyfully outdoors, picnics in the park, and young couples everywhere getting that naive look in their eyes that, maybe, just maybe, they should think about starting a family.

Soon, they will be ignorantly blissful as they stroll through all the baby stores with that handy little scanner
"OOOOHHHing and AHHHHing" at every little "too cute for words" outfit and "we HAVE to have that" gadget while they register for baby shower gifts.

I have a tip if you are one of these couples....
Ready?
I'll wait while you grab a pen and paper because this is VERY important, and often never told, advice.......



Got it?.......OK

IT'S ALL CRAP, FOLKS!!! WAKE UP!!!

NONE of that stuff you see on TV stands a snowballs chance in He!! of helping you survive the next several years of your life!!!

Anyway, since I know none of those silly daydreamers are going to take those words to heart....
I'm just going to start giving gifts that would actually be USEFUL for parents-to-be....
(worst case scenario, I get BANNED from all future baby showers and no longer have to giggle and pretend to think it's "cute" to watch grownups sniffing a diaper smeared with baby food and try to guess what kind it is.........COME ON, PEOPLE!!!!! I can't be the ONLY one who finds that to be a severely disturbing game!!!)

So, for those of you entertaining the idea of inviting me to your baby shower...
FAIR WARNING....
Instead of "traditional" shower gifts, I am planning to arrive with one of these much more "practical" ones.....

1. I will not be buying you any pacifiers......

Duct tape works much faster and is a LOT tougher for them to remove and throw across the room to never be found again.

2. Don't plan on getting one of those stupid "sounds of the womb" bears or cd's from this girl.....

Cases and Cases of Children's Benadryl will get you through MANY more sleepless nights

3. I will NOT be giving you your child's first Piggy Bank....

I'll buy you a heavy duty plunger because if I wanted to see all of the money in your purse stolen, put in the stupid pig, smashed on the ground, and then flushed down the toilet....I'd do it myself!

4. "Cutsie" little picture frames or albums? Forget it....

You'll thank me later when you get a thumb drive and a fireproof box to store it in......you are NEVER gonna print out the HUNDREDS of pics you take, anyway!!! This way....you'll at least have PROOF that you really found them cute and adorable at one point!

5. Don't be disappointed if you don't get a Rocking or Gliding Chair from me....

I'll get you a larger bed....that's the only REAL way you're going to get the kid to sleep when you need him to.

6. Cute little outfits....not a chance

Industrial strength stain remover and lots of bleach....a MUCH better investment!!!

7. Matching accessories to decorate the nursery YOU can buy....

Just tell me the paint code, and I'll buy you a gallon of that and some spackle.....that's the only way the room will look respectable once the kid can walk!!

8. I will NOT be the one to give you the latest parenting book....

A case of beer or a few bottles of wine will get you through MANY more difficult situations (PS...it works MUCH faster!!!)

9.That stupid "leash thingy" for uncontrollable kids in public...

A tazer works much faster and lasts a LOT longer!

10. If it's your second child....you will NEVER get a "Little Brother/Sister" ANYTHING from me...

I will considerately schedule your appointment to have yourself fixed before it happens again.

I am heading to to check the mail now just to see how many invites need my RSVP!!!

Child Labor

OK, OK...NO ONE has to tell me how much the RETAIL business sucks!!! 

I played that game for over 10 years before the kiddos arrived, took a break, and now find myself back in it again.....WTH was I thinking?!?!?

Alright...I know what I was thinking.

ANY job nowadays is a GOOD job...ESPECIALLY if said job is willing to work around your utterly pathetic availability!!!!

But, SERIOUSLY, folks!?!?!?

I HAVE to wonder how the other people working there manage to get their a$$es out of bed, let alone handle daily issues like, I don't know......WALKING, or, God FORBID....answering the FLIPPING PHONE!!

In case you haven't figured it out just yet...

I had a REALLY bad day at work the other day!

It's been a few days, though, so I've had time to reflect.

Now I wonder...

What if I had to work in a retail store with the Kiddos instead of my current coworkers...

How would it compare....hmmmmmmm

1. Taking out the garbage:
            NOT an issue!!! The Bean would just take everything OUT of the trash cans and throw it in the parking lot or eat it!!!

2.Suggestive Selling:
            Even McDonald's asks, "Would you like fries with that?"....these people can't figure out that part of their JOB is to ask if customers want certain things....the boys....NOT an issue!!! They can ask question after question after question without ANY reservations!!!

3. Answering the phone:
           The kiddos are EXPERTS at stopping whatever they are doing to to get on the phone...getting them to actually SAY anything, might be a different story, but, at least, I don't get a headache from listening to phone ring incessantly or a heart attack from sprinting across the store while everyone else finishes talking about their own lives!!

4. Anything having to do with a ladder:
            I wouldn't have to be annoyed by coworkers sitting by clueless as I am trying to reset the top shelves and almost fall off a ladder....the kiddos are natural born monkeys who will GLADLY do ANYTHING that involves any bad judgment or, better yet, danger and stupidity!

5. Lunches:
            I wouldn't have to worry about someone else rudely taking my lunch break and eating all of the food....the kiddos CAN'T eat a damn thing until I'm good and ready to feed them!
          
6. Dealing with angry/rude customers:
            Sorry, but rolling your eyes at them does NOT work!!! The girls figured this out already (the boys, not so much!)....it's MUCH more effective to deal with a grease monkey by batting your eyes and maybe pouting that lower lip, just a bit.....what can I say....they learned from the master!!! LOL

7. Tardiness:
           OK...this would probably still be an issue....but, at least, I wouldn't have to work late while I watch my coworker wash and wax his car after his break is over.....MY kids aren't gonna clean ANYTHING!!!

8. Personal Hygiene:
           Do I REALLY need to say more?!?!?!?!?..........at least I KNOW the kiddos' clothes get washed!!

9. Calling a Change Order into the bank:
           NO NEED!!!! The kiddos manage to find all the change they ever need in MY purse and then poop it out later!!! (It's much more efficient that way, don't you think?)

10. Bathroom Breaks:
           If it's just the Bean and I working, I wouldn't have to handle everything on my own for a 1/2 hour      while someone is in his "office"...I can have HER diaper changed in 2 seconds FLAT!!!

So, I've decided, that the main problem with the world these days is that we DID AWAY with Child Labor!!!

Maybe, just maybe, if some of these morons had to compete with kids for a paycheck...

they'd learn to appreciate HAVING a job.....or, at the very least, I would have the option of spanking them when they pi$$ me off!!!!