You'll Thank Me Later.....

.


AHHHHH...
Spring is finally starting to arrive.

That means weddings, kids running around joyfully outdoors, picnics in the park, and young couples everywhere getting that naive look in their eyes that, maybe, just maybe, they should think about starting a family.

Soon, they will be ignorantly blissful as they stroll through all the baby stores with that handy little scanner
"OOOOHHHing and AHHHHing" at every little "too cute for words" outfit and "we HAVE to have that" gadget while they register for baby shower gifts.

I have a tip if you are one of these couples....
Ready?
I'll wait while you grab a pen and paper because this is VERY important, and often never told, advice.......



Got it?.......OK

IT'S ALL CRAP, FOLKS!!! WAKE UP!!!

NONE of that stuff you see on TV stands a snowballs chance in He!! of helping you survive the next several years of your life!!!

Anyway, since I know none of those silly daydreamers are going to take those words to heart....
I'm just going to start giving gifts that would actually be USEFUL for parents-to-be....
(worst case scenario, I get BANNED from all future baby showers and no longer have to giggle and pretend to think it's "cute" to watch grownups sniffing a diaper smeared with baby food and try to guess what kind it is.........COME ON, PEOPLE!!!!! I can't be the ONLY one who finds that to be a severely disturbing game!!!)

So, for those of you entertaining the idea of inviting me to your baby shower...
FAIR WARNING....
Instead of "traditional" shower gifts, I am planning to arrive with one of these much more "practical" ones.....

1. I will not be buying you any pacifiers......

Duct tape works much faster and is a LOT tougher for them to remove and throw across the room to never be found again.

2. Don't plan on getting one of those stupid "sounds of the womb" bears or cd's from this girl.....

Cases and Cases of Children's Benadryl will get you through MANY more sleepless nights

3. I will NOT be giving you your child's first Piggy Bank....

I'll buy you a heavy duty plunger because if I wanted to see all of the money in your purse stolen, put in the stupid pig, smashed on the ground, and then flushed down the toilet....I'd do it myself!

4. "Cutsie" little picture frames or albums? Forget it....

You'll thank me later when you get a thumb drive and a fireproof box to store it in......you are NEVER gonna print out the HUNDREDS of pics you take, anyway!!! This way....you'll at least have PROOF that you really found them cute and adorable at one point!

5. Don't be disappointed if you don't get a Rocking or Gliding Chair from me....

I'll get you a larger bed....that's the only REAL way you're going to get the kid to sleep when you need him to.

6. Cute little outfits....not a chance

Industrial strength stain remover and lots of bleach....a MUCH better investment!!!

7. Matching accessories to decorate the nursery YOU can buy....

Just tell me the paint code, and I'll buy you a gallon of that and some spackle.....that's the only way the room will look respectable once the kid can walk!!

8. I will NOT be the one to give you the latest parenting book....

A case of beer or a few bottles of wine will get you through MANY more difficult situations (PS...it works MUCH faster!!!)

9.That stupid "leash thingy" for uncontrollable kids in public...

A tazer works much faster and lasts a LOT longer!

10. If it's your second child....you will NEVER get a "Little Brother/Sister" ANYTHING from me...

I will considerately schedule your appointment to have yourself fixed before it happens again.

I am heading to to check the mail now just to see how many invites need my RSVP!!!