While Mommy's Away

WOW!!!

I didn't even realize how crazy my life really is until I got this chance to step away from it for a bit.

Let the hubby and the Mom-In-Law deal with it for a change!!

  So all of the chaos and Tales of Terror are coming to you courtesy of the hubby this week
(he doesn't deal with it quite as easily as I do though)

Apparently, the weekend went easily enough.

Then Monday arrived......with a VENGEANCE!

I guess the Instigator woke up crying because he had to go to school.
(He NEVER does this! This child would LIVE at school if I let him.)

In fact, BOTH boys would rather get up an hour early so that their teacher can drive them to school rather than sleeping in and letting Daddy take them!

He insisted that, since his report card had already been sent home, school was now OVER!
While trying to explain the situation to him, Daddy was given this response:

"Fine! Let's just get ready to go! We'll drive ALL the way there, and I'll SHOW you that there is no one there!!"

The entire ride to the school, he just kept telling him,
"You might as well turn around now because you're WRONG! All you're doing  is wasting gas! Do you even KNOW how much gas COSTS now?!?!"
(Nice try, kiddo! However, I gotta admit I'm more than a little impressed with his approach!)

He did the walk of shame into his classroom.

Despite the fact, that Daddy stuck to his guns, and proved himself right, I have to say, I'd have handled this one MUCH differently!

You see, that's an AWFULLY long drive to spend listening to his whiny little voice. I, in NO way, would have even RISKED putting up with that at 7 in the morning.

So, here's my interpretation on how the situation should have been handled.
(Go ahead, Honey, go grab a pencil and notebook, I'll wait.............got it? Good)

"HEY YOU! SHUT IT!"
Crisis averted.

Punk Rock Girl

The other day, my little princess got her first "real" haircut! Yes, I know she is 4, but she has NEVER needed one! (Actually, she still didn't need one, but the hairdresser offered to cut it for free......and we're all about FREE!)

I say her first "real" haircut for a reason.  You see, I do have the first lock of her hair from this past summer.  That was when she got a little fan stuck in her hair, and it had to be yanked out!!! Note to self: If the appliance is smarter than your child (even if it's made of foam) don't let her use it!

A few months back, she was playing outside with her best friend.  They quietly snuck into her friend's house while her friend's Mom and I chatted.  When they return.......we discovered that they had been playing hairdresser! Yep, my little princess with the natural born mullet now had chunks of hair gone just to fully insure the redneck look!!!

So, now......she has actually had her first trip to the beauty salon!!! Our dear hairdresser decided to "play" with her hair for a bit.  Punk Rock style pig tails and pink hair spray!!!

She is in Punk Rock Heaven!!!! I have to admit, we had a meltdown on her hands when she discovered that the pink will wash out......but she even came home with the pink hairspray!!!! 

Here's the problem:

Little Miss Sassy has now decided that her hair MUST be pink EVERYday!!
I can't blame her, though. You see, it's a little known fact, but the hubby and I are closet punk rock fans. So are all of my kids! We just can't seem to pull the look off as well as my little rockstar!!!

Three days out, and we have officially run out of the pink hairspray!!!
She is DEVASTATED!!!!
Suddenly, she has decided that, if she can't have pink hair.......she no longer needs to HAVE hair!!!

TWICE today I have have had to grab the scissors out of her hands as she was grabbing handfuls of her hair (what little there is), getting ready to cut it!!!!

I'm just going to call MTV now and ask for an INTERVENTION!!!!!

Genetic Disorder?

Anyone who knows me realizes that I can be a little stubborn at times.

OK, in reality, I will argue with anyone until they believe I'm right, even if I discovered I might be wrong halfway through said argument! (Just don't let the hubby know that!)

I hold fast in my confidence that I KNOW BEST!

If I realize something is wrong after I get my way, then I will make CERTAIN that you never figure that out!

Apparently, it's genetic......and it MAGNIFIES with each generation!

Today, my sweet baby girl (we'll call her "The Bean") found a cube of beef boullion and was certain it was really candy.  After several tantrums, I decided it would just be easier to let her taste it and find out for herself.  She eagerly grabbed it from my hand and popped it into her mouth.  Instantly, a look of disgust appeared on her face.  She looks at me, and I say those infamous word, "I told you so.", but rather than spit it out........she quickly puts a smile on her face, walks out of the room, peeks over her shoulder for me, and then spits out behind the TV.

The Ref (my 7yr old) is a little less subtle about it.  He firmly believes that, since he spends all day in school, it is his God given right to play video games every minute he is home.  He simply has no TIME to be bothered with things like showering, eating, or, even worse, homework.  He will give every excuse in the book about being right at the hardest part, etc., but just when you hit your breaking point......he simply stops listening. He puts up a wall strong enough to secure America's borders!!  He just IGNORES you! (On a sidenote: the ONLY way to make him listen is to ground him from the games!)

Then, there's the Instigator (the 5yr old).  Where do I even START?! He's an evil genius when it comes to being stubborn.  When it comes to cleaning up or starting homework, he will just show his A$$!! He's very smart, though, you see. When he finally comes to the realization that he's not going to win, and may possibly spend the rest of his life in the naughty chair trying, he calls for backup!! He will calm down, and then go get the Ref and Princess to help him gang up on me!! I guess he figures that if he gets THEM to do his dirty work for him......they get in trouble, and he gets his way!! (Secretly, it makes me PROUD!)

That brings us to the Princess.  She keeps an entire arsenal of tricks in her bag! She even alters her strategy midway through, depending on how the situation is going!

1. AVOID THE CONFLICT: If she already knows that she isn't going to be allowed a cookie, etc., she just waits until she can sneak it and runs to her room to hide!

2. THE EYES: Strictly for use when Daddy's in charge.  If he says "NO", she immediately tilts her head, puts her hands together, bats those big brown eyes and says, "PLEEEEAAASSE DADDY?". Works EVERY time!

3. THE VICTIM: When all else fails....."You hate me......that makes me saaaaad." Lower lip sticking out the whole time, and able to cry on cue.....I challenge ANYONE to stand your ground when your heart melts like that!!!

 I think I might have to give up my "Queen Manipulator" staus might have to be downgraded as the kiddos get older!!!

Strange Toys

I woke up this morning to a screaming baby with a very high fever.

For the most part, my day has been filled with fussiness, Tylenol, and lots of temperature checks.

As my luck would have it, the ONLY thing that would calm her down today is holding/playing with the thermometer! (It's a BABY thermometer, folks, so use your imagination as to where that thing's been!)

In case you haven't figured it out, yet....

MY CHILDREN ARE INSANE!!!

They have every toy known to man, but, for some reason, they always choose the oddest things to play with!

1. My Princess has had a new best friend for over a month now. His name is "Nick Jr.", and he is a plastic bag from Walmart that she carries EVERYWHERE with her! Fortunately, I was able to convince her that "Nick Jr." needs to sleep in his own bed and NOT with her!!

2. She also has a box that her Rapunzel castle came in.  I am not allowed to throw it away because, "It's pretty!".

3. The oldest boy was a robot for Halloween.....2 YEARS AGO!!  It was one of those homemade box and tin foil costumes.  He has outgrown the boxes, and only a few scraps of tin foil remain. He refuses to part with it, however, because, "I use it to watch over the playroom when I' not here!!".

4. The 5 yr old boy has a strange fascination with empty plastic Coke bottles.  For some strange reason.....he carries them around the house!

5. "Sockie"......this is my 7 yr old's absolute favorite thing in the world!! One day, he had an earache, and the heating pad wasn't to be found. So, I filled a sock with rice and microwaved it. Worked great!! Since that day over a year ago, though, he keeps "Sockie" with him all the time!!!

Dear Santa:

Next year, SAVE YOUR MONEY!!!

The Frying Pan Epidemic?

This morning we were all snuggled up on the couch watching a new "Tom and Jerry" movie.  Now, I have ALWAYS been a huge fan of those two.  I soon found myself disappointed in their shenanigans, though.

THEY NO LONGER BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER!!!

I remember when there was a national outcry against that EVIL cat and mouse for promoting violence.  I was young at the time, and even I found it ridiculous!  Was there REALLY a sudden outbreak of kids running around hitting each other with frying pans and anvils that I somehow missed?!?

My brother and I would camp out every Friday night on the living room floor so we could wake up early and watch that show. Not ONCE did it ever occur to me that it might be a good idea to grab the ironing board and beat him over the head with it!! (Even though he probably deserved it several times)

OK, OK......I'll admit....there WAS an incident when my older brother chased us across the dining room table in a fit of anger, and the table collapsed......but HEY......not OUR fault!!!! (sidenote: he then tried to force us to help him fix it before our parents got home!)

Seriously, though......now these mortal enemies actually HELP each other ward off the evils of the universe?!?! THAT'S JUST NOT FUNNY!!!!

Even the kids think so!
They prefer the classic episodes that are still on from time to time......THANK GOODNESS!!!
I simply can't IMAGINE a world where Tom and Jerry are friends.
For God's Sake!!! STOP BEING SO CRITICAL!!

My kids have NEVER tied the cat's tail to a string and then to a heavy object.........they just chase her around with the vacuum!

Not ONCE have they tied a steak around the cat's neck and rang a bell to wake the dog.........they just put the puppy in front of her and yell "FIGHT!"

They have never taken scissors and cut the hammock strings to make each other fall........Grandpa broke that ALL on his own!!!

They have never........gotta run.....the baby found the cast iron skillet!!!!

Starlight, Starbright.....

Every night I take the kids out to wish on a star before bedtime.  It's kind of one of our traditions around here.  You know......those special little things that can make up for all of the chaos of the day.

Well, tonight was an experience, to say the least!!!

I was outside, alone with my little Princess....making our nightly wishes.

Princess: Starlight, Starbright, First star I see tonight, wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight!

I wish I could eat ALL the cake left in the "fridgerator"!

Me: Ummmmm....make another wish because that has NO chance of happening!

Her: OK, (little rhyme all over again), I wish for a BEAUTIFUL bicycle!
Me: You already have a bike that's pink!
Her: Well, it's not BEAUTIFUL!!!
Me: Try another wish....
Her: I am just going to wish on another star.
Me: That doesn't work! If you wish on another star.......you're original wish WON'T come true.

Her: OK......but you need to make a wish!
Me: (say the little poem) I wish Princess would give me a hug and a kiss!
Her: I do that EVEY day......make another wish!
Me: Ok, I wish Princess would be a good girl tomorrow!

Her: OH NO!!!! My star is moving!!!! I just wished on a plane!!!!

Dear Lord!!! Why am I raising the most ignorant kids on the planet?!?!?!?

Lizzie Borden

I have to admit, my children scare me sometimes!

Today, the hubby and I were watching a documentary about Lizzie Borden.  Well, during one of the reenactments there was a scream.......in comes little princess to see what's up. 

Immediately after asking, "Is this a scary show?" and getting the answer she so desperately wanted, she plops her little butt on the couch and settles in.  Loving the gore and story, she insisted we watch it again!

I told my hubby that if she goes and gets a pencil and notebook I'm out!!

This is FAR from the first time the kids have convinced me to sleep with one eye open.

For over a year now, my 5yr old has a ghost friend that he talks to. "Mr. McGee" lives in heaven and comes down with the fog to tell him things. At first, it was funny........then some of those things started to really happen!!

One night, the kids and I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie on HBO.  I woke up at 5AM to find 2 little boys laughing at a "funny" movie that came on........the movie was "SAW III"!!!!!

I will NEVER forget the time that all 3 of my little angels were pretending to be their friends while we were at the mall.  So, when I stopped to ask a Security Guard directions they started chatting with him..........they told him that I WAS NOT THEIR MOMMY!!!  It's a good thing they look just like me, or I might not be around to write this!!

Bottom line is this:

I think they are secretly out to get me.

If this blog suddenly ceases to exist..........CALL THE COPS!!!!

From Princess to Diva!!!

It's official!!

My sweet little princess has turned into a demanding little DIVA!!! (My husband suggested another, less flattering word, but I thought I'd clean it up a bit!!)

I think someone must have accidentally flipped her "bitch switch" on her 4th Birthday!

1. I was actually told today, that, if I don't give her cake at 9 o'clock in the morning, then she will never give me anymore hugs and kisses!........................I told her, "OK, then DON'T!

2. She has started prancing around the stores, hands on hips, shaking her little booty with every step!

3. Later today I was told to "turn this car AROUND! I don't WANT to pick up the boys!" and, if I didn't, she was going to spank my butt!!

4. I was told the other night, that she no longer needs to even try to sleep in her Princess bed because "your bed is bigger, and I DESERVE a bigger bed!"

5. She has suddenly decided that she WILL go outside and across the street whenever she pleases!!! All because, she is "4 now, and no longer needs her Mommy to watch over" her!!!

Good Lord!!!! Boys were soo much easier at this age!!!

I'm just waiting for her to get a cell phone and go all Naomi Campbell on my A$$!!!!

The Easy Life

The puppies are gone!!!

Well, all but the one that Santa, in an obviously drunken Christmas Eve moment decided to put a big red bow on.....STUPID GIANT DRUNKEN ELF!!!

A few days ago, we took the other 5 pups to a shelter. (For all of you PETA lovers out there....YES....it was a no-kill shelter!!)

Honestly, I liked the little critteres, but the truth of the matter is, I just HATE cleaning!!!

I just think that everyone in my house should be like ME!!! CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!!!

If you dirty a dish.........don't hide it under the couch!

If you sprinkle when you tinkle......CLEAN IT UP!!!

If you step in puppy poop..........RUB YOUR DAMN FOOT IN THE GRASS UNTIL IT'S GONE!!!

If you change into pajamas................ummm....THE HAMPER IS RIGHT THERE!!!! Or even better, just sleep in your clothes, that will cut the laundry in 1/2!

If your nose is snotty.............BLOW IT ALREADY and throw the tissue in the trash NOT under the couch cushion!

If you drop half your dinner on the floor.........GET THE DOG!

If you get out of the shower soaking wet...........stand on the MAT and not in the middle of the floor! (and PLEASE don't crawl into Mommy's bed before you dry off!)

Just these few things would make the world a better place! Well, at least I can dream!

New Kids

Turns out there was a reason my kids have been completely crazy all their lives...........

They were living their lives under a veil of lies!

Suddenly, they have a new zodiac sign!!!

That's a lot of pressure for a young kid.

As for me, I am, of course mourning the loss of my beloved Leo and embracing the the joys of being a Cancer.  However, I'm most depressed by the realization that the kids I THOUGHT I had, now, apparently have completely different personalities than they did a week ago.

My oldest USED to be fun loving, optimistic, and free spirited.  Alas, he now has secret enemies in his family and will leave home at a very early age as an Ophiuchus. (How do you even pronounce that?)

#2 remains a Pisces which is strange because Pisces is a dual sign anyway, and I've always thought he had multiple personalities!

My princess used to love being admired, be very ambitious with on off-beat sense of humor. Now, she is careless, irresponsible, restless, and tactless. (Looking forward to that!)

The baby used to maintain a haapy-go-lucky apearance against all odds and live an easy, uncomplicated life.  Now she is fussy, worries, and is overcritical and a perfectionist. (WONDERFUL!)

Can I get back the kids I had last week?

These new ones sound like even MORE trouble!!



Bedtime?

Last night we started "Project: Get the Kids to Sleep in Their OWN Beds Again!"

It was only 25% successful!!!

Supernanny...........YOU SUCK!!!!!

If getting the kids to sleep in their own beds all night means that I have to stay awake ALL flipping night to keep chasing them back to bed without talking to them......

I CHOOSE SLEEP!!!

I heard every excuse in the book:

1.  I'm thirsty

2. I'm scared to be in there! (well.......you weren't scared when you went in there and trashed your room today!!)

3. I can't sleep....(well, neither can I NOW!!!)

4. I have to PEE!!......go pee and get your butt back into your own room!!

5. He keeps bugging me!!.......Well.....you keep bugging me, too!!!

6. I'm COLD!!........So am I now that you climbed into MY bed and stole all the covers!!!

7. Their are monsters in my closet........Yeah, right....they weren't there when you decided to bring EVERYTHING out of your closet earlier!! PS....MY closet is bigger and full of MORE monsters!!

8. I need a drink........yep, so do I NOW!!!

9. my bed is not comfortable!......Neither is MINE with 6 people in it!!!

10. I peed my bed...............What makes you think that I want you to pee MINE?!?!?!

Get your butts to bed already!!!!

How Clean is YOUR House?

It's been a busy weekend.....

We managed to give most of the house it's post-puppy cleanup, and laid down some new rules for the kids.

I actually made myself clean the girls' room tonight (which is where the kids decided to lock themselves inside to make Christmas gifts for Mommy and Daddy).....ummmmm.....I discovered a few things:

1. NEVER under ANY circumstances give my kids wrapping paper or tape!!!

2. "NOT ME" struck again and put one of the pups in the crib to poop!(First time I've been glad that the baby sleeps with us!!)

3. The kids left one of our gifts up there........the box from a 12 pack wrapped in a bow with a picture inside!! (I guess they know what we like!!)

4.  Cribs are MUCH easier to disassemble than to assemble!! (Yes, in my life, this is the FIRST time we've actually had to DISASSEMBLE the crib!!)

5. As soon as you try to throw a broken, never used toy in the trash.....SOMEONE remembers it's her favorite!!

6. No matter how clean and comfortable her room is.....the 4 yr. old is STILL afraid of her room! (but only at bedtime!!)

7. OUR MISSING PET CAT!!! (Seriously!!! Not kidding here, folks!!!)

8. All colors of Play-Dough EVENTUALLY turn gray!

9. The diaper I couldn't find last week when the baby was walking around naked. (probably explains that mysterious funk in my house I couldn't find!)

10. A missing sippy cup of milk DOES stop stinking if left long enough!!!

BACK TO YOUR OWN ROOM GIRLS!!! No more excuses for me not to clean it!!!

Selective Hearing

I am pretty sure that my kids are all hearing impaired......well.....at least to anything I say!!!

Some of them don't hear me AT ALL, and the others just have their own interpretations.......unless I say the magic word, "McDonald's"!!!

I just wonder why my kids are oblivious to any directions I give them!!

If it matters to THEM.....they hear just fine....if it matters to ME....not so much:

1.  I tell the 7 yr old that he must help clean the playroom...NOTHING....I tell him I will ground him from the Wii for a week......suddenly springs into action!!

2. I tell the 3 yr old to put her clothes back on (don't ask.....I'm already worried about that!).....she says she's a big girl now and can't wear clothes (because BIG GIRLS don't WEAR clothes....mmmm....yeah!).....I tell her her best friend is playing outside......"Wear are my  pants and undies?!?!?"

3.  I tell the 5 yr. old that his pants are sagging down in public.....doesn't care......I tell him that all the girls are gonna come up and spank his hiney, and they suddenly get hiked up to his armpits!!!

4.  I tell the baby "No, don't eat that!!" and she has an all out temper tantrum on the floor.......I tell ask her if she would like some cake, and she immediatedly changes her tune!!!!

5. I can ask, "What do want for lunch/dinner 400 times, yet no one answers (and whatever I serve is WRONG!!!)....................I ask, "Who wants pizza?! And suddenly EVERYONE has an answer!!!!

I think I just need to get the  Rosetta Stone CD's  for "Kid Speak"!

Puppy Panic

In her infinite wisdom, my 3 yr old decided to let ALL the pups and Mama Dog out at the same time.

Mama Dog is a runner......she immediately takes off to go terrorize the neighbors, dig through everyone's trash, and make housecalls to all her boyfriend dogs.  Of COURSE, all 6 pups decide that this is the perfect time to see how fast their little legs can take them to see what lies beyond our backyard!

Cut to me, in my stocking feet running around the neighborhood chasing a pack of 7 dogs! Finally, I catch two of the pups, but then quickly realize that I have run out of hands. I run back to the house, to toss the two stragglers inside.  Back out the door! Mind you, I still have no shoes on.  So I running through the wooded areas, stepping on rocks and branches.  My yells have now gone from, "Lily!!! Come home!" to, "OUCH! DAMMIT!! Mother F!"  By now, the little pups have realized they can't keep up with Mama, so they have all gone their separate directions. I chase down 2 more.....back to the house.....back out the door.  After about 35 minutes of this, I finally get them all inside.  Of course the baby is now crying hysterically, and my 3 yr old is laughing so hard she has tears in her eyes!

The whole time, I just kept hoping someone would grab a video camera!
I could hear the background music in my head.....
I was living a real life episode of "Benny Hill"!!!

Little Houdinis

So, the school lost my 7 yr. old boy yesterday!!! Field trip mix up, but NO ONE in the office could figure out where he was!!!  Luckily, he was found 2 1/2 hrs. later, safe and sound at the museum with his class.

This got me to thinking, though, about all the times my kids have pulled disappearing acts on me:

1. I am at Walmart with both young boys in tow. The Easter Bunny shows up out of NOWHERE!!  Freaks out the 2 yr. old who goes and hides in the racks completely silent!!!  People are staring at me with confused looks on the faces, as I am running through the store with a screaming 6 mos old while I keep looking for little feet under the racks!

2. Recently, had Walmart issue a "Code Adam" when my 5 yr. old took a wrong turn to follow me and went missing for 25 minutes!!! Note to self: "Code Adam" = completely inaccurate description of child and NO help to find him!! (They even brought me my OTHER boy who was with his Dad!!)

3. We went upstairs one snowy day, only to come down and find our 18mos. old boy toddling down the street in nothing but a diaper!

4. I was fixing dinner, and the kids let the dog out.  Shortly, thereafter, I get a call from my neighbor who just saw all 3 kids running down the street after the dog!

5. I was looking all over the house for the baby. Couldn't find her anywhere! Only to have my daughter come to me and say, "Ummm, Mommy? Why is the baby  sleeping in the laundry basket?"......she used the dirty clothes as blankets!

It would be so much more USEFUL of a talent, though, if I  had the power to make them disappear
ON DEMAND:

4AM and the girls want drinks................ABRACADABRA!
3 hours after bedtime and one of them is downstairs for the 10th time.............HOCUS POCUS!
I just sit down to read and suddenly they all need something............KAZAAM!
I'm making dinner and the boys instantly start fighting...................VOILA!

Yeah......I think I'll work on MY magic act!

A Year

Today, my oldest daughter turned 4!!! Happy Birthday, Princess!!!

However, when I tried to put her to bed, she pitched a fit, and I actually told her that if she didn't go to bed, I would take away her birthday and make her 3 again!! (Note to self: it works!!!)

That got me to thinking, though....what if I really COULD take away a year?!?!

Sure, I'd miss a lot of good stuff and a lot of milestones, but.....what if????

I would have been spared the agony of these things from her life:

1. A trip to the urgent care because of her brothers fighting with dinosaurs near her face!!! When toy dinosaurs attack.....it leads to a punture on the face!!! With the added bonus of the Dr. checking under EVERY bandaid (because she thinks they are stickers!) to make sure she is not being abused!!

2. ANOTHER trip to urgent care because she is CERTAIN that her brother's ear infection got passed to her!!

3. A panicked Mommy who just heard her utter the words, "The baby's eating POOP!!".....just to find out it's a cookie!

4. Several through the door conversations about how Mommy and Daddy are having a "grown  up talk" through the bedroom door!!!

5. A Mommy with bruised ribs trying to race down the stairs to save a poor puppy from imminent doom as she is dragging it down the stairs by the arm!

I love you, girl, but I REALLY hope you grow up soon!!!!

Proud Mommy Moments

Since the very first moment I held my oldest son in my arms, I have been proud of my children on a daily basis.  I never knew how much more proud I could be of them than I have ever been of myself.

That, being said, there are definitely those moments where I just look at them and think,

"Ummmmmm, yeah, that makes me 'SO PROUD'" as you bow your head in shame!

Like the time I thought the boys were asleep in their beds.  I went in to give one final kiss goodnight and found them asleep alright........covered in marker!!  They decided to "tattoo" themselves from head to toe before calling it a night!

Then there was the day that my then 4 yr. old boy decided to be a puppy for the entire shopping trip!  He just sat in the cart, tongue wagging and barking at everyone!  The looks I got in return added to my pride!

Today, my sweet little baby girl decided to teach herself to make farting noises on her arm.  I simply can not WAIT to go out in public with  that new trick!

How about the time I was pregnant with the baby. I had told the kids that the baby would be born right after the oldest started school.  So while out for a walk, little brother tried to push big brother into a school bus while the driver looked at us with fear in her eyes!! He wanted the baby to come right then!!

Let's not forget the time that I was walking out of a store, and a Little Person walked by us.  The boys both shout, "Mommy, what is WRONG with that guy that he's so short?!" I had to had a loud-enough-to-be-heard talk with them about differences while the man stared at me in anger!

What about the time that the oldest (when a toddler) had a full-on diaper blowout just as the mall was closing!?  We had no extra clothes so we are dashing through the mall with a screaming toddler in a diaper trying to buy clothes!

Or when my little princess noticed that some of her brothers' classmates were "brown" (to use her words), and asked me right in front of their mothers, "Does that mean they lie like Barack Obama does?"

I'll tell you......I've NEVER been so PROUD!!!



Snow Day?

I was born and raised in a rural little town in northern Pennsylvania so I, for one, LOVED the snow and everything about it......

UNTIL I MOVED TO THE SOUTH!!!

You see, in the South, everyone panics when there is threat of snow.

Stores are packed, one snowflake causes everyone to drive 10 mph, and the schools actually dismiss early before even ONE snowflake falls!!!

Dear Persons in Charge of Early Dismissal:

While I aprreciate your concern for the safety of our children, I am wondering why you would choose to dismiss the kids at noon when not a single bit of winter weather has fallen!!!  Just how far DID you have your head up your a$$ when you made that decision?!?  Now my kids have missed a 1/2 day of school (which they won't have to make up), and I AM STUCK WITH THEM FOR 4 EXTRA HOURS!!  Thanks for that! I am truly concerned  that this kind of misguided faith in the weather reports (which has happend 4 times this year, so FAR) , is contributing to the deterioration of our nation's youth.  Please let me know if I am wrong, but I BELIEVE that my taxes pay for you to  watch my kids 180 days a year!!!  So, when we are being ruled by a generation of ill-educated, lazy, no work ethic adults......take a long look in the mirror, and then pat yourself on your own flipping back!!!!!

Did I really just have to say that?

I'm thinking that the kids are going to be devastated when we find homes for all of these puppies. 

THEY WON'T HAVING ANYTHING TO ANNOY AND SCARE!!

(ummmm.......yeah, it'l probably be me!)

They took all 6 outside to play today.  At first, the puppies were so excited!! Their little black tails just wagging back and forth.  That's when it started......

Another day of things I would have NEVER imagined coming out of my mouth!!

Me: "Don't put that puppy on the swing!"

Them: "But look!" (pushes swing)

Me: "Don't put the puppies in the freezing water!"

Them: "They wanted to swim! Puppies like to swim."

Me: "Puppies do NOT like trampolines!"

Them: "Yes they do! Watch!!" (jump)

Me: "Bring the puppies in....."

Them: "Awwww....Mom!! They are having so much fun!"

Not to mention the other things I have said, TODAY, alone:

"Ummmmmm why did I just find that rotten apple in the playroom? We've been out of apples for a MONTH!"

"I don't want you to talk to, touch, or even LOOK at your brother for the next week!"

"That toy is sitting on a shelf.....please tell me why their is puppy poop on it?!"

You'd think I'd have learned by now!!

When Kids Rule the World!!!

We all know that saying about how the future rests in the hands of our youth, right? Well, if that's the truth, then I hope my kids aren't an example of the world ahead!

I can only imagine what the world will look like in future decades:

1. The hottest fashion trend will be wearing only one shoe because that's all anyone can find.

2. Handshakes will be outlawed because everyone picks their nose constantly.

3. Instead of political debates, there will be public whine-offs.

4. Belts will be pointless because everyone's butts would be in plain view anyway. (OH wait, that's true now!)

5. Forget garbage pickup or dumps....no one will throw anything away, anyway.

6. Couch Jumping will become an Olympic Event.

7. Ronald McDonald will be President.

8. Wearing Halloween costumes to work everyday would be completely acceptable.

9. Everyone will have long hair, and hairdressers will be obsolete because no one will EVER want a haircut.

10. Grocery stores will just stop selling vegetables all together.

If this is the case, then I hope I'm too senile by then to see it all!



Scary Thought

I don't know why this never occurred to me until now, but I had a very frightening realization today:

MY KIDS WILL ALL BE TEENAGERS AT THE SAME TIME!!!

OK, I think my heartrate is back to normal now.

With this new and terrifying insight into my future reality, I began to take note of some of the things my kids say and do.  I can only hope that something changes before then.  I can already imagine what some of these things will translate into later on:

"MOM, I'M THIRSTY!!!!".................................................................."Dude, grab me a beer!"

Their "Booty, Booty, Booty Dance".......................................................Good lord don't make me go there!!

My litttle princess dancing on the coffee table.........................................UGGGGHHHH!

The baby hating to put clothes on and always taking off her diaper...........DOUBLE UGGGGHHH!

"NO! I'm not even gonna try that nasty stuff!"........................................."Yeah, count me in!"

"Mommy!! Look what I did!!"................................................................"I hope my Mom doesn't find out about that!"

"Can I play the Wii?".............................................................................."Buy me the most expensive new game system there is."

"Can I watch a movie?"........................................................................."Gimme 30 bucks to go to the movies."

(From the boys)"Girls suck!"..................................................................PLEASE don't make me think about it!!!

So, I think I'd better start changing their behavior NOW, or I am in for some SERIOUS TROUBLE!!!

Homework

Maybe I WAS a nerd, but homework never bothered me as a child.  Granted, my young kids have a LOT more homework than I EVER did until High School, but SERIOUSLY, why does it make them sooooo flipping angry to do it?!?!

Tonight, like every night, I have spent 2 hours of my time helping a 1st grader and Kgartner do their homework, and am still not done! (Mommy needs a short break at this point!)

Dear boys:

Buck up already!!! You are in for MANY more years of homework much more complicated than coloring 12 circles in a pattern!! Just wait until you have a teacher who actually GRADES your work rather than assigning it a star or an incomplete. I am no longer going to spend two hours of MY time begging and pleading with you to do homework that honestly only takes you 15 minutes once you finally sit down to do it! OH, and the added bonus of having to control your sisters while I fight with you about things I KNOW you know....well that just makes my day!!!  You spend HOURS trying to avoid homework and arguing about doing it, but, seriously kids, it only takes you a few minutes to do it!!!  I will not and CAN not raise another generation of slackers!!! GET OVER IT!!!!

PS.......This message brought to you by the National Organization of Fed Up Nurturers....NO FUN!!!

"The Birds"

Today, I got to thinking about all of these birds just falling dead from the skies. Lightning, hail, power lines...who knows! I have a few theories of my own, though:

1. It's Chuck Norris' way of telling birds to stop crapping on his flippin truck!

2. When "Don't ask, don't tell" was repealed......the biggot birds got ticked off at the gay ones

3. They heard my kids fighting and decided it was just easier to drop dead than have their ears bleed on a daily basis. (I've thought one myself a few times)

4. The worms have salmonella just like everything else.

5. "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" was a visionary movie.....food really DOES fall from the sky!

6. The kid birds asked "Are we there yet?" one too many times, and the Mama bird finally just kicked them down.

7. When they started their flight, the TSA "love pat" was too much for them to handle so they had a panic attack.

8. Another bird told them that Brad and Angelina broke up.

9. Alfred Hitchcock was really a prophet.

10. MY kids are up to more crap than even I realize!!!!

Just a few possiblities.....I think, anyway!!!

"Not Me"

I can't help but wonder who takes care of this little monster named "Not Me". He comes over to my house uninvited all the time?!

WHERE IS HIS MOTHER?!?!?

Dear "Not Me"'s Mother:
Your child is a little punk! He is ALWAYS at my house! Just this week, he has already:

1. Taken all the sheets off of my bed in order to grind Cheetos into my mattress.

2. Brought the puppies inside when they needed to be out. (This was discovered when I came downstairs and watched the baby slip and hit her head after stepping in puppy pee.)

3. Emptied a box of Goldfish on the carpet before having a dance party on them.

4.Hidden a PB&J underneath the couch cusion.

5. Deleted the movie I was watching to put on Nick Jr.

I bet he behaves that way at your house, too, which is why you send him over here.But consider this your warning! When I find you, and I WILL find you, I will beat you senseless! Take your devil child back to destroy YOUR house for a change and leave my little angels alone!

PS....Who names their kid that, anyway?!?!

My New Favorite

I'm sitting around the house today watching the girls play and giggle.  I started to notice something that I never really noticed before:

The older kids could certainly learn a few things from their baby sister!!!!

1. She brings me her cup when she's thirsty and wants another drink. Not ONCE has she sat on the couch screaming, "MOM! I'M THIRSTY!!" and then insisted that she doesn't know where her cup is and made me search the entire house for it b/c God forbid she should use any cup other than her "favorite" one.

2. When I say, "Bathtime!" she comes running to the stairs and immediately goes up all excited and happy about tub time, and she gets out when I say "time's up".  NEVER has she whined and moaned for 2 hours about how she can't miss her favorite show, has to finish building something, or needs to finish drawing a picture and made me take away all her privileges just to hear ANOTHER tantrum about that, and then REFUSED to get OUT of the bath/shower when I say she's been in long enough.

3. When it's time to go somewhere, she brings me her shoes and heads right for the door. I can't think of a single time when she made me search the house for a missing shoe while she sits plopped on the couch searching under the same pillow for an hour!!

4. In the car, she either falls asleep or sits there quietly. Not once have I had to yell at her to keep her hands to herself, keep her feet to herself, or to stop fighting and screaming. Nor have I ever had to turn the radio all the way up just to drown out her noise.

5. When it's time to eat, she just sits in her chair and eats whatever I put in front of her. When she's done she picks up her plate and hands it to me. Not a single time has she asked for something for lunch and then turned around and refused to eat it because she changed her mind!  Also, she has never pushed her plate across the plate ans yelled, "EEEWWWW! That's disgusting!". She has never taken her spoons and dishes and hidden them under the couch or behind the pillows.

So, for the moment.......She is my new favorite!!!

Back to Reality

Well, my vacation is coming to an end tomorrow. Actually, it was my hubby who goes back to work, but that means I have to go back into Full Time Mommy mode. Carpools, kiddos, and no one here to back me up when I tell the 5yr old that it is NOT a good idea to try and ride his skateboard off the porch roof. (Yes, that was his plan yesterday!!)

I've been truly lucky this week. Hubby really stepped in to help me a LOT. By that, of course, I mean that I got to use the bathroom with the door closed, and I could just yell up the stairs to have him throw the kids' cups down to me. Someone please tell me why their favorite show is "Ghost Adventures" and their favorite game is ghost hunting (complete with cameras, flashlights, and a voice recorder), but if I ask them to go get something that THEY left upstairs and desperately need right that very second then they are suddenly "afraid" to go up there? That is something I will never ever understand!!

And We're Off!!!!

2011 is finally here!!! I'm so glad to see it kick 2010's butt right out the door!!! What a rough year that was!

Just to prove my point and to go out with style, I guess, New Year's Eve managed to give me one final "piss off" on it's way out. My beautiful, oh so sweet 3 yr old decided to fly into my arms for her goodnight kiss---yeah, and hit my mouth with her head!!! Later, she came back downstairs to find me asleep on the couch and jumped on top of me. So, I am starting the new year with a giant fat lip and some seriously bruised ribs!! Mommy loves you!!

So, I've been laying around all day. While that is my typical New Year's Day practice, this is the first year that my RECOVERY was not self-induced! Who knows? Maybe it isn't my ribs at all--maybe it's my liver paying me back on behalf of the ghosts of New Year's Eves past. Stupid Karma!!!