Survival Guide

 

Let's get this straight...I by NO means consider myself an expert in children...

I mean, seriously, just because you have a lot of something, it doesn't mean you have a CLUE what to do with them!!

(Picture a roach infested house....would you REALLY ask the person living there how to deal with bugs?!?!?)

The same holds true for me...IF I knew how to get rid of them...I would have done it by now!!

Recently, though, I had a friend who is new to the parenting game ask me for a few pointers.

I know, I know....I already said that NO ONE has any real clue what they are doing.

It's a matter of fumbling your way through all the CRAP and hoping it washes off before the neighbors come to visit.

Enough begging and pleading, though, and I finally said that are really only two ways to look at raising kids:

You either over plan, over schedule, overstress, OR

You look at it and LAUGH, and hope to GOD they don't write a book later on!!

Soooo....I've decided to offer up a little bit of advice for those that find having young kids stressful..

(Don't be looking for any brilliant tips here....it's really just enough to keep their faces off the milk carton!)

In all honesty....every decision really comes down to just TWO basic choices (if you want to keep your sanity, that is):

A. You wear shoes EVERY moment of every day.......or

B. You NEVER ever, under ANY circumstances buy them Legos!!!

A. You just give in on those nights when you have to get up early and let them sleep in your bed...or

B. You settle for the fact that you permanently look like you got 2 black eyes in a bar fight the night before

A. You tell everyone that they need to learn Spanish now because the only show they watch is "Dora"..or

B. You explain to EVERY family member why your kids REFUSE to say "Please" and "Thank You" in English

A. You make excuses 3 times a week for how "they really didn't get THAT dirty yesterday"...or

B. You spend an extra HOUR of every morning trying either force them INTO or OUT OF the bathtub.

A. You invest in bread, Peanut Butter, and Jelly...or

B. You see your kiddos on the next Sally Field "Save the Children" commercial

A. You hold a Garage Sale every month...or

B. EVERY noisy toy your relatives that secretly HATE you every bought for the kids will be in your home FOREVER!!!

A. You cut their nails super short every time they are sleeping...or

B. You will look like the creepy "Cat Lady" who gets clawed to within inches of her life on a daily basis!

A.You learn to live with the permanent marker on the wall, furniture, etc...or

B You spend their college education fixing it....EVERY WEEK!!!

Most important choice EVER, though....

A. You take EXTREMELY embarrassing pictures of them to save for blackmail later on...or

B. You hope to flipping GOD that that digital recorder they stole from you does NOT have anything they can use in court one day!!!!

Since I'm too worn out to print all of my pics....

I'm pretty sure that you'll see me on "Family Court" one day!!!

Lifelines

 

Let's face it...

we ALL sat in suspense, anxiously watching Regis ask question after question as we eagerly awaited that FIRST Million Dollar Winner!!!

(You can stop denying it now, we all know you watched the show at least a few times!!)

Well....as with everything we find mildly entertaining, it quickly became--all at once--boring, aggravating, repetitive, and in serious need of a MUTE button!

But...remember the LifeLines?!?!

I was thinking....(that rarely ends well)

I NEED LIFELINES FOR DEALING WITH THE KIDDOS!!!

I could justify ALL of my "questionable", or even "self-indulgent" coping strategies without a second thought if I could just utter those 6 wonderful words....

"I'd like to use a LifeLine"

Of course....MY LifeLines would NOT involve

"Asking the Audience" (WHO cares what they think, anyway?!?!),

"Phoning a Friend" (They are probably too busy dealing with their OWN kiddo meltdown to say anything that's not gonna pi$$ me off even more!), or

"50/50" (WTH good does 50/50 do when I have to decide which one of the FOUR kids is getting dropped off at the orphanage?!?!)

So, as usual, I came up with my own--much more useful--list of necessary Lifelines:

1. Cigarettes--Smoking might not be good for MY health, but I can PROMISE you that, on MANY occasions, Mommy sneaking out for a smoke was VERY good for the kiddos' health!!

2. Bubble baths--OK, this one is kind of like the "50/50" on my list....no one ever uses it, except as a last resort, because it's really pointless, and, in the end....you still have to take a wild shot in the dark....but, at least, it buys you some time!

3. Chocolate-- This is, in my opinion, the MOST poorly used LifeLine among women! Truth of the matter is that, yes, eating chocolate might make you feel better for a little while, BUT if you give it to the kids instead....it gives you enough time to grab a DRINK!!! Now THAT will make you feel sooo much better than the flipping candy bar!!

4. Cold Medicine--well, yes, I GUESS it might make you feel better if you are under the weather, but NIGHTTIME Children's Cold Medicine is so useful ANY time of the year!!!

5. Beer (or wine, I guess, if your girly like that!)--If you are having one of those days where you simply can NOT decide whether the glass is half empty or half full....use your LifeLine!!! Just empty the flipping glass and get another!!!!

(That last LifeLine, parents, can be used REPEATEDLY until it has finally been successful!!!)

WallyWorld

Alright, so I am now settled in my hometown.

Turns out...it's actually a GOOD thing that I hate shopping so much because there is only one place to shop here:

WALMART!!!!

(I'm fairly certain that if Moses hadn't left Mt. Sanai in a hurry, the 11th Commandment would have been...

"Thou shalt NOT shop at Walmart!!!")

Alas... I, OF COURSE, find myself there everyday because it's either WallyWorld or staring at the same 4 walls all day.

That being said....I now consider myself an expert on all things Walmart. 

The things I have learned:

1. There is always at least ONE freaky person at Walmart, so, if you look around and and don't see any.....guess what....it's YOU!!!

2. If Walmart was TRULY concerned about "customer service" they would "roll back" the prices on all of their full-length mirrors so that their customers could actually see what they are wearing before leaving the house!

3. "Clean up, Aisle 10!" is code for....."Someone just pee'd themselves in the store!!! Grab a mop and see if you can embarrass her some more!!"

4. "Code Adam" really means.....I'm already bored worrying about your stupid kid so I will amuse myself by putting out a COMPLETELY wrong description and trying to keep a straight face while you yell at me for it!

5. If they ever open Dental Offices inside Walmart....they NEED to have express lanes for anyone with 10 teeth or less!!!

6. The Photo Studio should STOP having backgrounds of lakes and balloons.....replace those backdrops with trailers and beer can pyramids to make it more realistic!

7. There REALLY needs to be a weight limit on those Hoverround carts! If it STALLS in the middle of an aisle....you MIGHT have a weight issue....just sayin'

8. There should be "weight limit" warnings on the bottom shelves......if you BEND it while reaching for an item on the top, well.....you probably didn't need those cookies that badly!

9. Don't carry more than ONE brand of peanut butter...because, if you do, there will be some 30 yr old idiot standing there for an HOUR trying to figure out if his dentures will stay up better with crunchy or creamy!!

 10. "Roll Back" does NOT mean....back your freaking cart over my child and then pretend it didn't happen!!!

Don't even get me STARTED on the parking lot!!!!!

Working Girl

 

Well, it finally happened.

After over 7 years of being a Stay-at-Home-Mom, I actually returned to the working world!

Of ALL the career opportunities out there (hahah!!! Isn't THAT a joke?!?!), I ended up BACK in retail!!

Ugghhh!!

Don't get me wrong, as far as retail goes....I am the BOMB!!!!

I know the ins and outs of it, I understand it, and I am AWESOME at it!

(Pretty funny when you consider the fact that I HATE shopping with every fiber of my being!!!

Come to think of it, I probably hate shopping because of too many years on the OTHER side of the register.

It's been a tough adjustment, I'll admit, but, once I really thought about it......

it's the SAME fricking job only NOW I get paid to deal with it!!!!

1. I wake up at the butt crack of dawn just to spend my day talking to complete idiots who OBVIOUSLY don't understand a word I am saying.

2. I STILL smell funky....only now I've traded that sexy, fruity smell of Children's Dimetapp in my hair for the even more alluring smell of motor oil and pine scented air fresheners.

3. Every time I answer the phone, I find myself surrounded by a bunch of whiny people who are going to DIE if they don't get my attention RIGHT NOW!

4. No matter WHAT they want/need to have....it's always too much money, and I am somehow to blame for that fact!

5. Despite the fact that everything is organized and labeled, NO ONE can seem to put anything back in the right place.....sooooo, once again, I am left to pick up after everyone else.

6. My "boss" is still a child who goofs around all day and relishes the fact that I will take care of everything and everyone.

7. "I need this, I need that, I want to do this without any effort at all!".......yeah....it's still annoying.

8. Break time? HAHAHHAHAHA.......FORGET IT!

9. Instead of climbing up and down the stairs 100 times a day (even though I was JUST up there!), I now have to climb up and down a ladder 100 times a day because SOMEONE can't make up their mind what EXACTLY it is that they want!

10. Even though I have everything ready to go and it's time for me leave, the "boss" always finds some reason for me to be late heading out the door!

There is on STARK difference, though......

I'm pretty sure that when the "boss" is pi$$ing me off for being lazy,

I'd get FIRED if I told her she was grounded or washed her mouth out with soap!

Who knows, though....

Maybe it's worth a shot!!!!

Wake Up Calls

 

I remember when I used to wake up every morning smiling, refreshed, excited, and ready to tackle each new day HEAD ON......

then I had kids!!!

Someone please tell me why, no matter HOW much sleep I get, I can't just wake up in a somewhat "normal" way!!!

It's never the alarm clock, the sun shining through the window, a neighbor's dog barking somewhere in the distance, or, GOD FORBID....my body just deciding it's ready for a new day!!!

My morning wake up calls all tend to be some version of a cruel college prank!

TOP 10 LEAST favorite wake up calls:

10. "I'm THIRSTY!!!".....REALLY?!?!? You can't get that on your own?!?!? When I offered to get you a drink last night, you stomped your feet and told me how you were big enough to get your own drink!!!


9.  The puppy farting in my face.....thank GOD that one's not an issue anymore!!!


8.  the Bean touching my face....I know this one sounds bad! She is being soooo sweet trying to caress my face and all, but, with my eyes still closed, all I think of is some creepy a$$ spider crawling all over me!!!


7.  Waking up SOAKING wet and wondering what in the FRICK you were dreaming about to make you sweat so badly......then realizing.....it's NOT sweat.....SOMEONE peed the bed!!!"


6. I'm THIRSTY!!!".....REALLY?!?!? You can't get that on your own?!?!? When I offered to get you a drink last night, you stomped your feet  and told me how you were big enough to get your own drink!!!

5. Nightmares. Nuff said!!! I have my OWN frickin' nightmares to deal with kiddos!!! Why do I need to hear you screaming at 6AM when you can't even remember what the dream was about?!?!?! 

4. Facebook.......yes, I KNOW that I can set my phone to stop my notifications at 4AM! Here's the problem.....I have already tried to join Facebookaholics Anonymous, but they keep refusing my friend request!!


3. "I'm too scared to go upstairs alone to pee!!!".....SERIOUSLY?!?!?! You weren't too scared to go upstairs alone, grab a stool, and open the box a cookies an HOUR ago!!!!!!


2.  HEADBUTT!!!! .....this daily alarm has not quite found its place on my cell phone!!! It usually involves the Bean trying to get closer to me by crawling on top of me, losing her balance, and crashing and burning into my forehead!!! 


1.  NOTHING is worse than the wake up call from a knee planted firmly into your NOSE!!! Thank you, PRINCESS!!! It's so common that I am pretty sure it's a preset message on my phone!!!! She can not stand to be away from me for even a second, so if SHE wakes up, and I am not RIGHT next to her.....that means that I wake up...with 2 black eyes and a story I can't quite explain!!!!

I'll be the first to admit that these kiddos have GOT to get their own places to sleep....

but, I have to admit,

they make me appreciate that annoying buzz of the alarm clock soooo much more!!!!

Einstein? I DOUBT IT!!!!!

OK...so I FINALLY get it!!!

I understand why every generation before mine started having families earlier than my own did....

It was so that they hadn't lost so many brain cells that their children were able to outsmart them!!!

Don't get me wrong.....I wanted a family earlier, and maybe if my first hubby had been as "insightful" as I was, then I wouldn't be at this crossroads, but, then again.......he wasn't as brilliant as I am, that's why he's my ex!!!

Maybe "outsmarting" me is a little strong...

It might be a little more like....

"CONFUSING" me.....

Here's the deal....

Last night, the Instigator decided to tell me which parts of the tongue recognize each taste sensation....

pretty cool, since I didn't learn that until middle school, and he's in Kindergarten.  Then he goes on to explain to me that he knows how to "memorize" stuff he is told....

(ummmmm....you can't even remember that you aren't allowed to trip your 18 month old sister when she's in between you and the TV!!!)

Anyway.....he proceeds to explain to me that, if he hears or reads something and then says it out loud, he can remember it forever.....

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? 

I didn't learn about learning styles until I was in Jr. High!!....He is in Kindergarten!!!!

If he is really this smart, though, it poses a few OBVIOUS questions for me.....

1. How in the HELL does he manage to hear the ice cream truck from 2 miles away, but NOT hear me tell him to pull his pants up and stop showing his butt crack from 2 feet away?!?!

2. WHY is it that he can sit in the Naughty Chair for over an hour and STILL not figure out how to say, "I'm sorry"?

3. Figuring out how to NOT pi$$ on the bathroom floor.......BEYOND him!

4. The ice on the swimming pool FINALLY melts today, and he puts on his swim trunks INSISTING that it's now Spring time, and he can go swimming!! ( I understand that you are a Southern Boy, but if you climb into that cold a$$ pool.....I am NOT making hot chocolate for you afterward!!!)

5. Going back to #1......HOW does one manage to leave skid marks in their underwear when their pants are hanging low enough to show their butt every minute of the day?!?!? (I swear, this child will star in an informercial for suspenders.....or DEPENDS....one day!!!)

I am fairly certain that my little Instigator will NOT be working on Einstein's "Theory of Relativity" anytime soon......in fact......

I might be looking to DENY our own "relativity" sometime in the near future!!!!