A Generation Lost

I chose this blog title for two reasons:

First, and foremost......

Today we lost Frank Buckles, our last living World War I veteran.
Thank you and everyone who fought by your side. Your generation is gone but not forgotten.

He joined the military at the age of 16 and fought in both England and France in order to defend peace and freedom throughout the world. We will be forever grateful for the tireless efforts of all those who served alongside him worldwide.

Now, the courage of those brave WWI soldiers has gotten me to thinking:

What if WWI was fought by the NEWEST Generation?!?!!?

(This is in NO way a criticism of out troops either then or now!! In FACT, it's just the OPPOSITE!  This is just a random observation of how my childrens' generation may have handled the situation....)

Here's the way I see WWI if it had been fought by MY kids' generation:

(I'll focus on  U.S. involvement since I can't even figure out my OWN kids....let alone those in OTHER countries!!!!)

1. We declare war on Germany over the U-boat sinkings......"Huh? What U-boats?!?!? They didn't say anything about that on Sesame Street! This week's letters were A, K, L, Y, and G!!!"

2. "But MOOOOOOM!!! I don't WANT to go to war!!! Can't you write a letter to someone and tell them that I'm grounded and can't leave the house for a few years?!?!?"

3. They miss EVERY target they try to shoot because they don't have the little red dot on the TV screen!

4. They try to surprise the enemy but get lost along the way and end up in OHIO because they can't find ANYTHING without the GPS lady's voice telling them when to turn!

5. We try to plan a sneak attack, but it gets spoiled because "Not Me" can't keep a secret!

6. "What's wrong with Lusitania? She was in school today!".......The media never gets it right!

7. "Ummmm....yeah....these government issued pants don't fit right. You CAN'T see my butt!!!"

8. "YUUUUCCCKKK! I can't eat this!!! Can't we stop off at McDonald's on the way?!?!?"

9. They argue over where Germany and France ACTUALLY are because, let's face it, they don't teach that stuff anymore!

10. "My name got called up in the draft?!?!?!? OMG!!!! I don't even PLAY Football!!!!! Bring on the sponsorships!!!!!"

Thank you to al of our troops both past and present!

To all of our FUTURE troops.........God help us all!!!

Walmart vs. Target

And the war wages on......

I have had this argument time and time again:

Which is better.....Walmart or Target?

Having grown up in a town that STILL doesn't even HAVE a Target, most of the people I know are a little partial (ie--ignorant!) when it comes to this battle.

I have been partial to Target for many years now, but, today I actually had to question this decision.

(the kiddos, by the way, are complete Target fanatics--despite Grandma's persistence!)

I've narrowed it down to a few questions you must ask yourself before pledging your loyalty to either chain:

We'll tally it at the end and see who wins!!!

1. Customer Service:

    Target--the workers look at me and smile (with all of their teeth), and sound compassionate on the odd occasion that I am suffering through a kids' meltdown.

    Walmart--"Someone needs to shut that kid up!"..."Ummmm....that's MY kid!!! The hubby is trying to      distract a 15 month old while I try to hurry and spend upwards of $200 on your worthless CRAP!" (true story.....ended a lot uglier than that, though....you DON'T mess with this Mama!!!)

2. Price:

   OK.....I'll admit that Walmart "might" have a little edge on this one.....IF you prefer the very bottom of the bottom products. Look...don't get me wrong, I'm a clearance rack girl, but, given a choice between Walmart clothes and Target clothes.....Target has better discounts, and I don't feel like my next job interview HAS to be with the circus!

3. Return Policy:

   Walmart: "You bought this 10 years ago......at KMart?......giftcard or refund?"

    Target:    "SCREW YOU!!!"

4. Kiddo Meltdowns:

    Target: "I LOVE this place!! Can we look at the toys? Mmmmmmm....POPCORN!!!"

    Walmart: "This toy is broken! Why are all of the fish dead?!?! Move it old lady, we are in a rush!!! Where's the candy?!?!?!?!"

5. Self Esteem:

     Target: Somewhat normal people from all walks of life just trying to go about their own business.

     Walmart: Freaks of nature on display!! It's like walking into an old Picasso painting and all of the exits are suddenly sealed!!!!

Let's see...

Target 3.......Walmart 2

However......#5 seals the deal for me!!!!

Walmart wins!!!

If you're having a bad day or are just feeling a little down about your own life.....GO TO WALMART!!!! You will soon realize that you are MUCH better off than some of the people in there!!!!

There is NO WAY an appointment with Dr. Phil could make you feel better about yourself than a good adventure at "Wally World"!!!!

Choose Your Words Wisely

Most people who meet me realize in the first five minutes that

I HATE LIARS!!

Even the kiddos realize this to the point that they will rat each other out at the drop of a hat for telling a lie.

A recent argument even involved a heated exchange over whether or not you can go to jail for lying.

(try explaining the concept of perjury to a 4 and 5 year old!!! The whole idea confused them so much they just gave up the whole argument to get away from me!)

I have never, not ONCE, "lied" to my children....not even little white lies or lies of convenience.

I do have to admit, though, when you are dealing with 4 little ones so close in age....

you figure out ways to "choose your words wisely" so you don't actually HAVE to lie....

I prefer to think of it as:

CREATIVE VOCABULARY

For example:

1.  When you stop at the convenience store

(for a little "mental health management" type beverages, you know):

"Mommy, can you get us candy?"....."I'll see...." (Flash Forward to returning 30 seconds later...) "Did you get us candy?"...."Ummm, I didn't see any" (of COURSE I didn't see any.... I NEVER LOOKED DOWN THAT AISLE!)

2.  If you are too annoyed to go looking for their cup, toy, shoes....whatever:

"Did you find my stuff?"....."No, sorry baby....I can't find it" (It's NOT lying!!!  I never looked for it in the first place, so NO I couldn't find it!)

3.  The kiddos want a snack 10 minutes before dinner:

"I'm HUNGRY!!!....."Well....dinner will be ready in 10 minutes...so good!"...."But I'm STARVING NOW!!! I need a snack....something chocolate!".....I'm sorry, but if you tell your kiddos that "WE don't eat chocolate in this house" it's completely TRUE when YOU eat it all within the first 5 minutes of buying it!!!....not WE....just ME!!

4.  When they want to play on the computer (and you KNOW it will be for the next 4 hours!):

"Sorry, Sweetie, but I can't get nickjr.com to come up"......of COURSE I can't!!!  (I blocked that stupid website after you hijacked my computer a year ago!!!!!)

5.  When you need a moment outside, alone, to reboot your sanity, and one or more kids come break into your 'happy place':

"Mommy, I NEED o tell you something!!" ...."It can't wait until I come inside?"...."NO! mmmm.....let me think..." ......"While you 'think' about it....I will be out here thinking about all the stuff you did to make me need to get away in the first place!"

Alright....

That last one's not even funny....

but, sometimes, the truth is better than fiction!!!!

Now, I just need o go outside and breathe before the inevitable bedtime battle begins!!

The "sub"contractors!!!

 



This is what my little home remodelers did today!

Notice the X's through "Mom" and "Dad"???

I'm afraid....VERY afraid!!!!

I do NOT remember ordering this remodel of my house!!!

They have "redecorated" every room in the house over the years.....

Holes in the walls.....
Pictures glued on others.....
Marker EVERYWHERE!!!!

I have to admit, though....

This most recent find disturbs me!!!!

You see....
I've gotten used to all the markers on the walls (that NEVER come off),
the "tattoo" sessions where they cover themselves in permament marker,
and the giant holes in the wall from the banging their heads or any other object they can find against them....

HOWEVER....
This latest development...
A hole in the wall with Mom and Dad X'd out above it.....
HELP!!!!!

I don't even know which one did it!!!
I don't know.....
Maybe one too many "time outs" or not enough spankings caused it....

But one thing is for sure....

If you see a "Home Improvement" commercial from my kiddos...

RUN!!! and then report them to the Better Business Bureau and....
if this blog suddenly disappears...

CALL THE COPS!!!

That being said...
Kiddos......
I know you can't cook, yet...
X me out, and you'll starve!!!!

Things You Never Thought You'd Need to Know

I noticed this photo a few minutes ago on a friend's page.

WOW!!! Talk about your flashback moments!!

I have actually had THIS experience, but it also reminded me of several other "not so beautiful" moments I've had raising my kiddos.

I've learned a lot over the past 7 years, and I just thought I'd pass some of those "things you never thought you'd need to know" insights onto you:

1. About the picture:

This is definitely sweat and NOT an accident! I know this because....I have had these "accidents" happen to me at least 3 times in the past. When you have a child on your shoulders and they have a diaper leak.....the pee runs down their legs and down your front side! It actually looks a lot more like your ears are leaking than anything else!! Plus, come on.....if the kid just peed down his back, do you really think he'd still be walking around oblivious?!?!?

2. The diaper blowout:

When a 1 yr old child has a major diaper blowout in the middle of the mall 5 minutes before closing and you forgot a change of clothes for him, you WILL look like a kidnapper as you run your naked, screaming child through the mall trying to find the only store still open!!

3. The Puking incident:

Just realize this.....if you take a 2 year old to an Easter Egg Hunt, feed him grapes, cupcakes, and cookies BEFORE letting him run wild in 100 degree heat......he WILL tell you he's sick and then proceed to puke all over your back when you give him a hug!!! (Also....he will then REFUSE to leave the party and FORCE you to wallow in your own stench until he's good and ready to leave!)

4. I've Gotta PEE!!!

Take this one VERY seriously!!! If you are "pretty sure" that your 3 yr old is completely potty trained, do NOT take him to the State Aquarium and, when he says he has to pee 3 exhibits from the restroom, ask him to wait......ALL this results in is a bunch of underpaid gift shop workers and mortified parents (like YOUR kid never did it!) staring at you in disgust when he leaves a giant puddle in the middle of the floor!

5. The Projectile Vomit

Alright, this little number has been pulled on me over and over, yet I never seem to learn my lesson! If you think you can safely take a child under the age of 2 out in public.....YOU'RE JUST WRONG!!! I have actually sat in restaurants while me infants/toddlers have, for no reason other than to embarrass me, pulled an all out "Excorcist" moment on me!!! It doesn't even matter if they've eaten anything green in the past 3 days......whatever flies across the table and hits the guy behind us WILL look like Pea Soup!!! It never fails, though.....that guy WILL be a single guy on a date and cuss you out.....

Hate to tell him this, but...

Just wait......Karma's a B!tch.....

and when you have kids, you will be sorry for doing that to me!!!!

Darwin would be embarrassed!!!!!

I am convinced, that, if every household in the world was as crazy as mine....

HUMANKIND WOULD CEASE TO EXIST!!!

There is NO possible way, that generation after generation would continue to put themselves through this chaos intentionally....

I am NOT saying this haphazardly.....
I can PROVE it!!!!

 Let me introduce you to the fight between the Instigator and the Princess today:

I honestly don't even know how it started.
(by that point I had already mentally checked out on a mini mental vacation!!)

All I know is that I suddenly heard the Instigator yelling that his sister is now
"OFFICIALLY HOMELESS"!!

Well, vacation over!!! What is going on?!?!?!
 He had pulled a suitcase out of storage, thrown all of her clothes in it and was yelling that she no longer lives here, she needs to find a need home, and NOTHING she could say would change that!

Ummmmm......HELLO?!?!?!?!

Funny thing is...Princess didn't even care!!! She was packing right along side of him!!!

Cut to me trying to figure this whole thing out.....

Apparently, they had an argument over whether or not telling a lie could put you in jail....
She said yes, he said no

THAT WAS THE ENTIRE ARGUMENT!!!

How in the world it progressed to my 4 yr old daughter turning into a vagrant, I may never know.

So, I pulled up my sleeves and jumped into a battle that I can only compare to a lesson they must have learned from the protesters in the Mid East........

"What in the world is going on here?!?!?"

"Princess is LEAVING!! I threw her out!!! She needs to find a new home!"

"That's a terrible thing to say, and, by the way, NOT YOUR CALL!!!"

"Well, she's telling lies!!! Lying is just wrong!!!"
(SERIOUSLY?!?!? That's the ONLY thing in your 5 yrs that you have EVER listened to me say?!?!?!!?)
( How about the conversations about not picking your nose or biting your toenails?!?!?!?)
Flash forward to me discovering the lie about going to jail for lying...

My bad, I guess...

I apparently told them, at one point, that if you tell a lie, then the cops will come to get you....
( In my defense, though, I said that in a conversation about lying in front of a judge!!!!)

WOOOPSIE!!!!!

Anyway, if you need to find me...
I'll be looking for my 4 yr old daughter in the Red Light district!!!

WHAT Did You Just Say?!?!?!

My life has been very...well....let's just say "confusing" these last few days.

One thing I was lucky enough to learn years ago, though, is that "it's not about what life throws at you.....it's about how you can turn it into a damn good punchline!"

With all the added chaos here this week, I have made a very special effort to take note of just how freaking funny my kids are!!!

With that in mind, I give you:

The Top 10 things my kids have said this week:

10. (Princess)....Daddy, can you go buy us some more money? I want ice cream! (Sorry, sweets, we aren't 

      the Federal Government.....can't just print money every time we need it!)

9.   (The Bean---her very first sentence, by the way).....OOOHHH! There's puppy poop there.

      (Can't wait to read THAT one in the baby book 20 years from now!)

8.   (The Instigator)....Mommy, I'm not going to school on Wednesday......why?....because I  have 

      Technology that day, and I have to sit at a table all by myself because I keep hitting the other kids, and I

      get lonely. (Here's a thought: keep your flipping hands to yourself!!!)

7.   (Princess)...My tummy hurts. I can't eat any more. I'm sure it'll be better by the time the brownies are

       done, though! (REALLY?!?!?!? Go figure!)

6.   (The Bean)......Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama (all the while looking at Daddy)....what?......HI!

5.   (The Ref).....I think you work too hard, Mommy.....awww, how so?.....If you put a TV and Wii in our

       room you could get a lot more sleep. (Nice try, buddy!!)

4.    (Princess and Ref combined)....Mommy? If a Blue Jay and a Cardinal had a baby bird together, would

        it be a "purple jay"? (Now, that is just BRILLIANCE!!!!)

3.     (The Ref).....Mail's here!! I'll go get it...OK, why?.....that way you don't have to see the stuff 

        where people are asking for money, and you can buy me a new toy!!! (ahhh.....if only!)

2.     (Princess)....Mommy, I want to be a squirrel....why?....because they get to run around outside all day

         and don't have to stop just because their Mommy has to clean! (Good point....now go scavenge for

         food because Mommy doesn't feel like cooking!)

1.      (Princess)...(from outside the locked bedroom door)...Are you guys having a "big people

         talk"?....ummm....yeah, why?.....because I wanna learn how to have a "big people 

         talk"......UMMMMM.....NOT EVER!!!!!!

I love their innocent questions, but their SARCASM is just too damn impressive!!!!

The Wiggles Revival Cure

Have you ever seen the kids' show, "Yo Gabba Gabba"?

Well......it's kind of like this:

Imagine a borderline pedophile dressed in a '70's wardrobe, talking to and playing with a suitcase full of creepy stuffed animals--all the while singing songs about really crazy stuff.......

Just think "H.R. Pufnstuf" overdosing on crack!!!

Anyway....that show has, against all of my protests, become the "go-to" show in my house.

It is soooo bad that I am actually BEGGING to return to the days when "The Wiggles" were the coolest band on the planet!!! Stupid Yellow Wiggle had to go and get sick and ruin it!!!!

(Interesting sidenote: We took the boys to go see "The Wiggles" live once, and the Ref got sooooo excited, he dirtied his diaper as SOON as they came on stage!!!)

I got to thinking, though.....I believe I have a way for that crazy wiggly group to make a comeback!

(This would be AWESOME since I always had a secret crush on the Blue Wiggle!!)

MAKE A NEW ALBUM WITH SONGS FOR MOMS RATHER THAN KIDS!!!

That being said, here is my list of remakes that I think could revive the careers of those 4 silly, colorful guys:

1. "Wake Me Up Before you Go Go":

            Wake me up before you go go...don't make me change the sheets again you dodo...

2. "Time After Time"

             If you're lost, I won't look, and you won't find me.....time after time"

3. "Livin' on a Prayer"

             Whoooah....you're halfway there....whoa livin' on a prayer"....watch yourself, or you'll get it I swear!....whoooah...livin' on a prayer

4. "Papa Don't Preach":

              Child don't speak....you're in trouble deep.....child don't speak.....I've been losing sleep..

5. "Express Yourself":

              Just dress yourself.....(I'm gonna make you).....just dress yourself...hey hey hey

6. "Enter Sandman":

               Exit fight.....Enter sight....Watch my hand....You're off to never-never land....

7. "Margaritaville":

               Wasting my time again in Margaritaville....looking for your lost toy in the dark....Some people claim that there's a child to blame....and you know....it's your own damn fault

8. "American Pie":

                Bye bye to my skinny a$$ thighs....drove the mini to the playground, and I hoped I would die.....them stupid a$$ kids were spilling juice on my ride....saying this might be the day that you die.....saying this might be the day that you die...

9. "Wanted Dead or Alive":

                I'm your mama.....on a fine line, I ride....and you will be.....asleep or alive...

10. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn":

                 Every kid has its horns....just like every mama has her sad sad morns....just like every school has its stupid a$$ forms.....every kid has its thorns...

Dear Wiggles:

There is a good start to your next album...you're welcome!

I'll expect my royalty check shortly

Creative Discipline

Anyone who knows me realizes that I have tried almost every disciplinary technique in the book on my kids.

Sure, they all work GREAT for about a week or so.....

but with 4 little ones, it actually becomes more work on Mommy to keep up with it all!

We've been through the naughty chair.......when you 4 year old PEES on it intentionally to make you take him out, it loses its appeal very quickly!

The Reward System works great........up until that first week where ONE kid doesn't earn a reward and you have to deal with a screaming toddler trying to steal everyone else's reward!

We stole the Stoplight tactic from school (figured it works there, so why not!)....I'll tell you why not!......the stupid puppy decided to eat all the name tags off the stupid thing and actually got excited every time I replaced them!!

Spanking has its obvious old-school appeal........but the Instigator will defiantly look at me and say,

"BRING IT!"

So, I am now being forced to go rogue in the whole discipline debate.....no books, no experts, no advice....

just good old maternal instinct!

Introducing.......

OPERATION HUMILIATION

This new tactic is brought to you courtesy of boys that hate girls and girls that hate boys.

It all started quite randomly....

You see, my boys have a very "unique" problem:

They have NO butts, so their pants continually fall down....

I know they "show their A$$ES to ME quite regularly, but the literal translation to the world is much more embarrassing!!

So, I have now begun telling them, that if I see their little rear ends hanging out one more time....

I WILL SEND THEM TO SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY IN COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING PANTS!

Low and behold.......IT WORKED!!!

Apparently.....humiliation is a great behavior modification tool!

OK....I figured it's time to up the ante!!!

We have a few new rules:

For the boys:

If you ignore me, fight, or just annoy the crap out of me....

You will be going to school with pink hairspray in your hair!!!

If you keep it up.......hair bows!!

WOW!!!

They actually listen now!!!

For the Princess:

If you push your sister, boss around the boys, or just PI$$ me off for no reason...

You will be wearing your brothers' clothes tomorrow!!!

The DIVA in her REFUSES to let that happen!!

So, for the moment, I am on Cloud 9....breaking my arm as I pat myself on the back!

I'm betting I might regret it later on, though if I have to follow through with it.....

Like when my kids are all on Oprah....

 explaining how their Mommy encouraged cross-dressing at such a young age!!!

Is the Weekend Over, Yet?

Welcome to the weekend!!!

Around here, weekend = catch up on all the crap I didn't bother to do during the week while the hubby was working!!

So, today, that involved a much needed trip to the warehouse club.

The kids were NOT happy about that!

You see, it all started with an argument from the Ref about why he didn't need to go with us:

Apparently, he is an "indoor" person. He started giving this long explanation about how he would rather stay inside because, after all, it IS still winter, and it's not a good idea to go out in winter weather.....

REALLY, BOY?!?!? I guess, technically, you're right, but it's 60 degrees and sunny outside!!!

(PS---you're flipping video game will still be here when we get back!!!
I'm on to you, boy......

I know how your mind works!!!)

Then we moved on to the, always so fun, battle over where to eat lunch.

"We want McDonald's!!!"

Sorry, babes, but I've been McDonald'sed out for about 5 years now, try again....

Flash forward to 20 minutes later.....at the restaurant that THEY chose:

"I hate this place", "EEEWWWW, I don't like that!", screaming baby, salsa fights, and chips being thrown at the man behind us!!!!
(Imagine me sinking lower and lower in my seat, pulling my hat down over my eyes.)

Then, we finally escape....

Onto the warehouse club....

Two minutes into it... the Ref mentions that we need to hurry up because his legs are falling asleep.

OOOOHHHH!!! BRAINSTORM for the others!!!

As if by Divine Intervention, all 3 older kids' legs suddenly don't work!!!

The Instigator suddenly goes limp, the Princess is instantly immobile in the middle of the aisle, and the Ref is slowing dragging one leg behind him in some sick Keyser Soze impersonation!!!

The whole while, I am absolutely MORTIFIED!!!

I try to pick them up and move them;
I tell them to move it or LIVE in the warehouse club for the rest of their lives;
I even try bribery!!!

NOTHING WORKS!!!

If they are lucky.....I'll pick them up tomorrow!!!

(just kidding, folks....I'll get them before the store closes tonight!)

Say What!?!?!

Okay, Okay.......I'll admit it:

I can have a teeny bit of an attitude sometimes. (STOP LAUGHING!!!)

On top of that, I consider myself an expert in the language of sarcasm.

As far as the sarcasm goes, I have always made sarcastic comments to the kids as well.  It's not because I can't restrain myself (again with the laughing?!), but more because I refuse to raise a bunch of pansy kids who can't take a joke and take everything personally. I grew up that way, and it took me years to learn to see the humor in life--not a fun way to live!

That being said......my kids have become young Jedi Masters in the arts of both attitude and sarcasm. Secretly, I am so impressed that I sometimes want to bow down in amazement!!!

I have been hit with some of the best one-liners in the book....

all from kids 7 and under:

One particularly rainy day, I demanded that the Ref finally turn the Wii off.....

I was graced with the response, "Look, you spent good money on this thing....I'm just trying to make good on your investment!" (He's 7!!!! That's enough Fox Business Channel for you, boy!!!)

Last week, we were all playing the game "Sorry Sliders". The Instigator was losing (I'm TOO competitive to let even a  5yr old win playing by his own rules---they're called "rules" for a reason, people!!). He got so angry, that he finally just threw my players off the board and laughed....when I asked WHY he would do that, I was told...."Mom, the name of the game is "Sorry", if you didn't want me to do that we should have played something else!!"

Today, my Princess beat every sarcastic comment I have EVER made in my life!!!

She was throwing a major tantrum about not getting to have cookies for breakfast. With every breath, she started showing her A$$ more and more....Eventually, I turned to her and said,

"Girl, you'd better watch your attitude!!!"

Without missing a beat, she looks me dead in the eye, crosses her arms, and says,

"Why?!? It's not GOING anywhere!!!"

I wasn't sure whether to beat her butt or give her an Academy Award!!!

Like I said, I want them to learn not to take everything personally and to laugh at life's little mishaps.

Because of this, I have ONE unspoken rule in my house:

If it makes me laugh out loud......you're off the hook!!

I don't know how anyone can look a kid straight in the face and punish them when inside you are beaming with pride that they are the funniest person on the planet!!!

Give me that attitude again without the one-liner, though......

and I'll smack that sarcasm into next week!!!

Guilty Pleasures

Anyone who knows me knows that my world totally revolves around my kids.

I'm only human, though, right? So I think I deserve a moment here and there--just a moment--to enjoy some of the things that make me feel a little more alive.

Whenever the kids are settled and occupied, I try to indulge in some of these guilty pleasures. Right on cue, though......here they come to interrupt my brief moment of bliss (and I really think they do it just to annoy the piss out of me!).

So, after years of pent up frustration over this, I have come up with some creative ways to combat it:

Guilty Pleasure #1: Looking at off-kilter material or playing games on the computer

The very MOMENT I sit down to either play some stupid game or browse online for politically incorrect/questionable yet hysterical material online they all crowd me out to see what I am doing and beg to see for themselves......SOLUTION: I keep another tab open with some mind numbingly boring statistics or medical jargon, and as soon as I hear footsteps, I flip over so when they ask I can just read it to them--they leave me alone pretty quickly after that! (NOTE: this USED to work with political or news pages, but then my kids all turned into political junkies like myself so it started to backfire!)

Guilty Pleasure #2:  Reading (I know it's not a "guilty" pleasure, but the principle is the same.)

No matter what I have just sat down to read--magazine, novel, self-help book on how to NOT lose your sanity before your youngest is in school--they HAVE to take it from me to read for themselves.....SOLUTION: I set my reading materials on the coffee table and sit down to read one of their books.  After a bit of mild resistance, I give in and let them take it, then I grab MY book.

Guilty Pleasure #3: Kitchen Dance Parties with music the I want to listen to

The kids and I all LOVE to dance! We dance every chance we get, but sometimes I want to be able to control the music selection! Don't get me wrong, they NEVER make me listen to stupid little kid songs, but I get tired of 3 kids arguing for 20 minutes over what song to play next and then changing their mind 10 seconds into the song.......SOLUTION: I set a play list of all the music I want to hear before I even play anything. Then, when the arguing starts, I mess with the computer for a bit and tell them it must be broken because I can't change anything.

Guilty Pleasure #4: Eavesdropping on someone else's argument



As soon as I hear that distant mumble of fighting, my ears perk up, and sure enough one of them comes running with something they "HAVE to tell me" and won't stop talking until the good part of the argument is over........SOLUTION: As soon as I hear the first word out of their mouths, I act all excited and say,

"Hey! You've gotta hear this!! Come help me listen to this!

 (If you're lucky, you might even learn a few new words!)"

Guilty Pleasure #5: FACEBOOK

Just get over it!! I'll get off the computer when I'm good and ready!!

Did you know?

Back to living in the Real World again!

Well......with my kiddos, I wouldn't exactly call it the "Real World", it's actually more like living in a 3 ring circus when you're afraid of clowns.

Apparently, NOTHING in my home is meant to be used as intended.

I'll admit, I've been known to use a butter knife as a screwdriver, a coffee mug as a hammer (Note to self: you can only do that so many times before said mug explodes in your hand!), or a credit card to unlock the door (never mind HOW or WHY I know how to do that!).

The kids, however, have taken the idea of multipurpose items to an entirely new level!

Did you know:

1. When you're too tired to get out of bed and get a tissue......bed sheets can serve the same purpose.

2. If the puppy destroys your pink feather boa...........the nasty pink dog leash works just as well.

3. When you can't go undetected to throw your mashed potatoes away........the couch cushions make a very convenient trash can.

4. When you're 18mos old, reach your hand into your dirty diaper but can't find a towel.......your baby brother's head works GREAT!

5. If you don't have a magnifying glass to look at bugs........you can rip the earpieces off Mommy's glasses and make your own!

6. When you run out of craft tiles before finishing your masterpiece.......the keyboard tiles from the laptop substitute quite nicely. (TIP: remember to take the glue OFF before trying to replace them!)

7. If you run out of makeup..........magic markers make you just as beautiful.

8. When you don't have a Spiderman mask..........Spiderman underoos on your head are perfectly acceptable.

9. If you can't find your drumsticks.................the toilet bowl brush adds that little something extra to your drum solo.

10. When you spill your juice on the kitchen floor but don't want to get a towel.........the sleeping puppy right next to it has a super absorbent fur coat!

If necessity is the mother of invention....then I REALLY hope my kids don't decide they need to cook dinner anytime in the near future, or I'm booking a hospital room in advance!

I Need to Tell You Something, Mommy

This afternoon, I called home to talk to the kiddos. Everything was great.....then I talked to the Instigator.

OH! It started off wonderfully! Lots of "I love you and miss you"....you know all the crap that makes me feel guilty as sin for having a breakdown (damn....did it again! I mean....."taking a vacation"), but then I told him bye-bye:

Him: Wait, wait, Mommy!! Ummmmm....I have something to tell you, but I don't know how to say it.

Me: OK, handsome.....what do you need to tell me?

Well.....from there it turns into this long and drawn out story about a check mark on the wall. (mind you, the kid's 5.....have you ever talked to a 5 yr old on the phone? You only understand about every 5th word!!! )

APPARENTLY, he needed to go upstairs to "secretly" tell me about this mark on the wall, and how he has NO idea how that marker got on the wall. (Mommy wasn't born yesterday, kiddo!!)

mmmmmmmmm......not sounding good so far, boy!!

He has a theory, though, that his "friend", Mr. McGee came down with the fog, and tried to leave him a message!!! But he is not sure what it means.

You wanna know what it means, boy?!?!?

It MEANS that I CAUGHT you making that mark (which NO amount of paint will cover) LAST year!!

I forgot about it!! (it's about a 3 foot long blob of red!)

Thanks for reminding me.........I forgot to beat your ass a year ago!!!

I Miss Mommy!!!

I have learned that the kiddos are handling Mommy's little nervous breakdown (oops, I mean "vacation") in their own...shall we say "endearing" ways:

The Bean has decided that she misses Mommy so much, that it will help for her to throw temper tantrums all day long for Nannie, and then permanently attach herself to Daddy's hip when he comes home.  As a special little added bonus, she has taken it upon herself to forget the word "Daddy" altogether and call him "Mama" from now on.  That made for an interesting trip to the store with more than a few turned heads.

Where do I even begin with the Princess! I'm pretty sure that she is an evil genius.  It seemed to take her all of one day to discover exactly how to tug on Nannie's heartstrings and get ANYTHING she wants! She has MASTERED the "But I miss Mommy" card!!! Well, then, since you miss Mommy:

  Of COURSE Nannie will take you out for ice cream for the third day in a row!

What's that? OK, you can stay up for another hour or so....we'll have fun!

You don't like the soup you JUST asked for......well, how about Nannie takes you to McDonald's?

uuuuggghhhh! I see a MAJOR reset button when I get home!

Now for our little Instigator.........let's just say, that his TEACHERS will be throwing me a "Welcome Home" Party!!  He has transformed himself from the perfect little goody-two-shoes of the class into.....well, basically, that kid from school whom we all secretly wish is now an out-of-work fat and balding dad forced to suffer daily with 12 kids who all behave exactly like him!

OK, now it's time for the Ref......I am actually feeling a little sorry for him. He is forced to witness all of this drama and bandage Nannie's last nerve at the same time.  OH! Don't get me wrong, he's had his moments this week, too..... he has learned how to manipulate the situation however he can, which--since Nannie knows that I can be...well...."particular" about routines--has tended to involve things like:

"But Mommy ALWAYS lets me play video games when I get home until bedtime, as long as I eat dinner! We do homework in the morning."

"Mommy likes for us to eat dinner in the living room.....that way she doesn't have to set the table."

"We don't have chores, Mommy wants us to focus on school."

Kiddos, you'd better get yourselves  under control before I get back!

Mommy is NOT as gullible as Nannie!

I KNOW all your tricks better than you do.......who do you think taught them to you?!?!?!