Survival Guide

 

Let's get this straight...I by NO means consider myself an expert in children...

I mean, seriously, just because you have a lot of something, it doesn't mean you have a CLUE what to do with them!!

(Picture a roach infested house....would you REALLY ask the person living there how to deal with bugs?!?!?)

The same holds true for me...IF I knew how to get rid of them...I would have done it by now!!

Recently, though, I had a friend who is new to the parenting game ask me for a few pointers.

I know, I know....I already said that NO ONE has any real clue what they are doing.

It's a matter of fumbling your way through all the CRAP and hoping it washes off before the neighbors come to visit.

Enough begging and pleading, though, and I finally said that are really only two ways to look at raising kids:

You either over plan, over schedule, overstress, OR

You look at it and LAUGH, and hope to GOD they don't write a book later on!!

Soooo....I've decided to offer up a little bit of advice for those that find having young kids stressful..

(Don't be looking for any brilliant tips here....it's really just enough to keep their faces off the milk carton!)

In all honesty....every decision really comes down to just TWO basic choices (if you want to keep your sanity, that is):

A. You wear shoes EVERY moment of every day.......or

B. You NEVER ever, under ANY circumstances buy them Legos!!!

A. You just give in on those nights when you have to get up early and let them sleep in your bed...or

B. You settle for the fact that you permanently look like you got 2 black eyes in a bar fight the night before

A. You tell everyone that they need to learn Spanish now because the only show they watch is "Dora"..or

B. You explain to EVERY family member why your kids REFUSE to say "Please" and "Thank You" in English

A. You make excuses 3 times a week for how "they really didn't get THAT dirty yesterday"...or

B. You spend an extra HOUR of every morning trying either force them INTO or OUT OF the bathtub.

A. You invest in bread, Peanut Butter, and Jelly...or

B. You see your kiddos on the next Sally Field "Save the Children" commercial

A. You hold a Garage Sale every month...or

B. EVERY noisy toy your relatives that secretly HATE you every bought for the kids will be in your home FOREVER!!!

A. You cut their nails super short every time they are sleeping...or

B. You will look like the creepy "Cat Lady" who gets clawed to within inches of her life on a daily basis!

A.You learn to live with the permanent marker on the wall, furniture, etc...or

B You spend their college education fixing it....EVERY WEEK!!!

Most important choice EVER, though....

A. You take EXTREMELY embarrassing pictures of them to save for blackmail later on...or

B. You hope to flipping GOD that that digital recorder they stole from you does NOT have anything they can use in court one day!!!!

Since I'm too worn out to print all of my pics....

I'm pretty sure that you'll see me on "Family Court" one day!!!